Free writing

I used to write all the time, but the last few years I have gotten away from it. I don’t know why I’m feeling stagnant right now. I don’t have much energy and I take everything too seriously. My actions are not aligned with what I value. I’ve isolated myself over the years and I’ve developed social anxiety. I haven’t made a real friend since I moved to Arizona over three years ago. My husband is great, but as a 33 year old woman – I should have more relationships in my life. Anyways, I thought I’d write today to see what came out. The writing below is what I typed. I actually wrote that, and then came back and typed this little intro for some context.

I sit paralyzed, unsure why. Perhaps if I write I can get back to my heart. Somewhere along the line I decided it wasn’t worth fighting for. Afraid of what might be in store…for sure. Writing feels so tiring, and it feels like I’ve lost the necessary wiring. More content, and yet – spent. Unable to catch my breath, afraid of a slow death. Second guessing myself, afraid what it will mean to my health… Not sure why or who I am anymore. Just keep walking through the door – fall through the floor. Can’t quite type what I’m thinking, what’s flowing feels like swimming. My brain is foggy and deep, sometimes I can’t sleep. Thoughts float in and out, can’t quite figure out what they are about. Like grasping at straws, the words move my jaw, but my brain can’t process…I’m lost and I’m nauseous. Which way through the door? One foot, then one more. Cloudy and murky waters beneath me, floating and gliding, but not smoothly. Word association, peeking at elation. Then back down to the ground…type what I’m thinking, judging but not bleeding. Back pedal and misstep. Not sure, can’t quite guess. Waiting for the day when it all makes sense, when it’s clear why I’m here…why I have so much fear. Like I missed out on my path, afraid to be seen or taken out of my depth. Don’t want to be made a fool, or make a scene, be told I’m obscene and sent back again to some place to never again be seen. Do you know what I mean? You’re afraid that I’m sad, and I can’t say that I am, and yet – I can’t say that I’m not. What’s happened to my spirit over the years? Quite a lot. Lost and confused, where am I and am I amused? Perhaps I’ve been abused. Afraid to step out, don’t want to get too close to anyone or anything, afraid of relationships and what they mean. I cling. I dart. I hide in the dark. No windows, no light. Just me and my thoughts. Together again, we’re friends til the end. No one knows how deep the well goes, down and down I go…deep into the abyss of my mind. I play here all the time. Like an old woman on a porch, I sit and stare. Not sure what I’m thinking or where I’m looking, and yet I am fine. I am content. Staring at walls and thinking about it all. 


I had the most intense experience last night. I was laying in the bath when suddenly it consumed me. Rejection. My entire life has been about my avoidance of it and my feelings surrounding it. Memories came flooding in as the tears began flooding out. It felt like I was birthing the emotions. My mouth gaped as sorrow emerged from my throat and escaped past my lips. It was the type of sadness that you feel to your bones. So much lost hope and lost opportunities. My life spent worrying about being accepted by others. To the point that I’ve hidden myself away. Exposing little pieces here and there to those that I thought might approve. Weird. Strange. Annoying. All the labels my peers had given to me growing up. I wasn’t allowed to come to the party. Photos of me standing by myself in a sea of other children. Distant. Aloof. Afraid to raise my hand in class. Don’t ask questions. You might look stupid. Don’t speak. You might be wrong. They will laugh at you. Pick at your skin so you have a reason to hide your body. That way you have an excuse not to expose yourself. Truly. Literally. Hiding my body beneath pants and cardigans. Hiding myself in every sense.

Every bad memory I could think of and all of my life’s decisions were born from this pitiful womb. Distancing myself from others. Marrying the first guy that seemed to care about me. Staying near my hometown for the first thirty years of my life.

So many hurt feelings and so much anxiety. Shy. Cold. I’m an introvert. That’s the label I’ve chosen to take on, but the truth is I have been rejected so much that I don’t trust people. I reject them so they can’t reject me. I’ve settled repeatedly in life because I don’t want to risk failure. I seldom try new things because I can’t stand to look foolish or not be good at something. What would people think? They’ll laugh at me. Just like my teacher and the students made a mockery out of me in art class when I gave my teacher the $20 art fee in cash…cash that smelled like cigarettes because my parents smoked. My teacher, a grown woman, announced to everyone that the $20 bill stunk of smoke. She had other students smell it and everyone talked about how disgusting it was. The smell of my home. How lovely. Thank you 6th grade art teacher whose name I can’t even remember and yet your taunts continue to haunt.

The first boy I had feelings for rejected me. I brought him gifts and tried to flirt with him. He told the teacher I was bullying him. I was reprimanded. My actions were taken as aggression. Another theme in my life. As is my fear of getting in trouble. Of someone not approving of my actions. It’s no wonder I ran through the halls of the mental hospital naked. Freedom for me was finally exposing myself and not giving a fuck what anyone thought. Other’s judgement no longer weighed me down. God how I wish I could be free again.

Tonight is a full moon and I’ve been reading a lot about ceremony and ritual. I’ve also bee reading my tarot cards every day for the past few months. I’m trying to nurture that part of me in a more structured way. So, tonight with the full moon I am going to put more intention around letting go of the need for approval…also known as my fear of rejection. Even as I type that I still have a part of me that is in denial. It’s funny because I have celebrated my weirdness and haven’t tried to hide it in it’s essence, and yet I have been hiding. Not being fully present and not letting people see me in my entirety. Even the muted shades of what I am have made people uncomfortable. How could anyone accept me in my full vibrancy? That’s where I need to be. I need to be more. More me. More willing to fail. More willing to look stupid and put myself out there. Risk it. Look rejection in the face and move on from it. Feel it and heal it. That’s the next phase for me. I know my life will be completely different if I can embrace this and heal from it. It’s time.


I am Lost

I am lost. I walk down the snow covered streets in the darkness. My dog tugs on his leash as I gaze up at the crescent moon. The stars are hidden behind clouds. It seems to be a metaphor for my mood. Tears are running down my face as I watch wisps of snow move across the concrete like sand across deserts.

I am lonely. I have no friends. It is my husband, myself, and now my rescue dog who whines at 3 in the morning to go to the bathroom, disturbing my sleep and making me grumpy. The trees and the stars are my friends. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such loneliness in my life. I moved to a new place and thought I’d meet new people. I took a job at a college that touts itself as a close-knit community. I should know – I write the marketing copy. I have no one. I trust no one here. A bizarre backwards world where no one sees things the way I see them and people who are creepy and blatant liars are believed to be saints and saviors.

A women I thought was my best friend back home doesn’t answer the phone when I call. She’s never picked it up and when I chat her on Facebook she can’t really explain why – but she never calls me back. The people who say they want to hang out and give me hope that perhaps they will befriend me – never actually reach out and when I try to meet up with them the texts go silent. Empty words and broken promises.

I am alone. Millions of women marched in the streets for reasons I don’t fully understand. Privileged white women in pink hats begging for rights they claim not to have. Meanwhile women in other countries are being brutally raped. Their genitals mutilated. They can’t leave the house without a man by their side. They are married off and treated like property. But on this day – those are not the things women are talking about. They are upset about a fouled mouthed man who they think is out to steal their rights. They want control over their bodies and they want the rape culture to end.

I was raped. I was 14 and too drunk to know how to escape the crawlspace I was placed in. The man who raped me is a counselor now. He writes on Facebook about how disgusted he is with rape culture. He got his degree at the most liberal college in one of the most liberal cities in the US. He brought supplies to the people protesting the North Dakota Access Pipeline. He is a kind and generous man. My most politically correct and liberal “friend” is friends with him. That’s why I know these things.

I have had my rights taken away from me. I was not allowed to decide what was done to my own body. What drugs entered my blood stream. I was injected with medication against my will – by people who no doubt believe themselves to be good and righteous people.

I imagine that most of those kind women with their pussy hats have had a great life. Maybe they grew up in a nice house with a nice family. Maybe they weren’t raped for their first sexual experience. Maybe they weren’t locked up in a mental hospital for a month and drugged against their will. How lovely indeed.

I did not march. I fear judgement because I did not march. I am a hypocrite. I am wearing a mask. It must be replaced periodically when the cracks start to show. It gets worn by the sun and I must replace it with a new mask. One that hides my secrets and my voice. I’m afraid what will happen if they know who I am. What I believe.

I’m not with her. I never was. I went to work the day after the election and the mood was somber. One coworker was distraught. She told me her sister-in-law voted for Trump.
“She didn’t care about anything except her anti-abortion stance. That’s the only thing she cares about so she voted for him.” I nod. I say everyone votes for different reasons. A meeting is called. We sit in a room together. The mood is somber. People are crying. They talk about “them” and how hateful “they” are and that “we” must fight for what is right and not let “them” win. “They” are uneducated and misguided. “We” are the light and we are right. I sit there listening as “they” are demonized for voting for the next Hitler. I can not speak.

My Facebook feed is filled with friends talking about how Trump voters are bigots and racists. They are the problem. I can not speak. I am afraid.

I am confused. I am in a backwards world where nothing makes sense. I remember when I went to an Obama rally and how I cried tears of joy on election night, wearing my iconic HOPE shirt. I was so proud how far we had come in such a short time. No more Bush-era bullshit. My hope faded quickly. 8 years of war. Continued monitoring of citizens. The Patriot Act remained and I felt less and less safe. We were promised a better healthcare system. I quickly realized nothing was better. Health insurance rates skyrocketed and you were now forced to purchase it. If you didn’t – you were fined when the tax man came calling.

So, no. I didn’t vote for her. I wanted real change. No more war. No more policing the world and no more policing our own citizens – what they can say, what they can think. I’m a libertarian. I wish I could say that proudly, but I am afraid. I could lose my job for my political beliefs. I could lose any hope of ever making friends in my new community. Welcome to American. Land of hypocrites.

I am sad. I am lost. I am lonely and hopeless.

Pine Trees

Howling through the trees

Like a disease

Taking over

Every part of me

Reminding me I’m not alone

This is my home



Crossed lines


Death and decay

Free to play

Here I lay

Now, today

I feel you

In the trees

The whispering pines

You are here

The sound – so clear

Never erased

This is your place

Howling through the trees

As you please




Words feel forced, but I need to get them out. I have so many emotions, so many feelings. I can’t described them all, I might fall. Fall from grace, fall flat on my face. So hard not to judge, not to feel the rub. I am uncomfortable in my skin. That’s why I drink…I think. It helps me feel numb, to ignore the pain. I feel like I can’t pick the skin, I just sit and let it in. Without a drink it’s hard not to think. I have to occupy my hands and my mind. I pick the skin, I search for bumps. I feel restless and angry. Angry that this has been life for so long. Drink after drink, my soul is gone. Numb and dumb. Use it for excuses and reasons. It controls my life more than I’d ever like to admit. I’ve been so angry and yet I’m lazy. Hard to change a habit I’ve had for so long. I can’t make the feelings go away, they’ll never be gone. It’s a built in excuse. Something I use to hide from my laziness. Reasons I need to not succeed. It’s easier to sit back and drink. Ignore my greatness. Ignore my feelings. Obsessions we all have. They hide the truth. Focus on work. Eat. Drink. Watch TV. Try not to think. You’ll realize how fucked up the world is. How angry you are. How far you’ve fallen. How lost you are. Best to just go to a bar. I think I’m content, maybe I’m just spent. Too tired and exhausted for no good reason. Too lazy to step out into the light, too scared to reach out to people. Too scared to be free. Too scared to be me. What would happen if I let it all out into the world. Said fuck it to convention, step away from this fucked up society. Work. No play. Blah blah blah. Eat good. Do the dishes. Pay the bills. Go to work. Enjoy your vacation. Check your email. Keep in touch. Play nice with others. I feel myself tense up because because I’m afraid to let it out. Don’t dance in front of others. They might look at you. They might think you’re a fool. Stand out, but not too much. Don’t blush. Hide your skin, hide your body. Don’t attract too much attention they might rob me. Be polite and stand up right. Watch your words and hide opinions. Keep quiet when you should speak. But don’t appear too meek. Anger is still down below, but it’s not worth the pain of yelling. There is no telling. You seem to have it together, but secretly may be under the weather. Hard to tell what’s real. How I really feel. I bore myself. So I drink. That’s why… I think. Now I’m taking a break to see what’s fake. Try to regain control over the fool. No drinking for me until I can find the right tool. Moderation. Ha! If only I could be so lucky. Just one drink, sure – sounds nice. But it never works for me, one becomes two and back to the daily drinking I go. One by one…it starts slow. Deep breath. Make it last. Enjoy your life without making it go by too fast.



The feeling is thick

Home is you

You’re the one thing that’s true



Hand in your hair

The feeling in the air

I feel bare

Exposed and naked

Like I’m meant to be

Comfort I’ve never felt

A hand I’ve never been dealt

So lucky to have found you

My heart has always ached for you

My missing piece

All pain shall cease

Love and warmth

Like it’s been this way since birth

The Unknown World

I have been quiet, but my mind has not. I’ve separated myself from my past and I can only hope that it will last. Less focus on mental health, more focus on life as it is now.

One year ago I made a huge change in my life. I moved out of my home, ending a relationship with a man I had called my husband for nearly 8 years. I spent my entire adult life with him. I took a risk and it has been a blessing.

I have made many changes in the last year. I started a new life with a man who sets my heart ablaze. We are married now. We celebrated our love in Sedona with a private ceremony, just the two of us. It was magical. Rainbows, kisses and laughter abound.

Now we are leaving this place I have called home for my entire life – almost 30 years now. We’re leaving Colorado and heading south to a new home in the high desert. I’m excited to start over, try something new. It’s a chance to clear the plate and end a huge chapter in my life. I’ve lost many relationships over the last year or so and what remains is a shell – a few relationships that I cherish and greatly appreciate, but the rest are damaged. Family is not what it should be. Old friends I once called close are gone. My life as I knew it for so many years – gone.

I’ve been sad the last few weeks, reflecting on all of the relationships that have ended or seem too damaged to revive. People I trusted who betrayed me. People who turned their backs on me. I cherish friends, but they don’t seem to care. I try so hard for other people and in return they ignore me. It makes me angry that someone who cares as much as I do can live 30 years and feel so few connections to people. If they only knew the hole in my soul where friends and family should be…but instead it is just me. Me and my husband taking on the world. It seems so cold and lonely at times, but when I am in his arms it all makes sense. His chest is my home. His heartbeat is mine. Our minds are intertwined. There is no rewind. Forward we go. Into the unknown.




Made to feel like a child

Sorry I’m not more wild

No patience for my moments

Yet for you I’m supposed to not show it

The anger and annoyance

It’s happened more than once

You can act however you do

But when I do, I’m treated like I’m two

Exceptions made

Regrets laid

I am supposed to be rational


See the glass as half full

Not the same rule

Physical pain

Emotional pain

Not the same?

The rules don’t seem to apply

But I’m not understanding why

I have to do as I say

You can do whatever you may

You have your issues

I have mine

But I’m not allowed to whine

How we live


My dear

What is it you hear?

The end is near

Don’t listen to the thoughts

Realize what we’ve got

Hide away in my arms

Let the world disappear

Like falling bombs

The sounds of gongs


Silence inside our home

We’re all alone




And being

This is all there is

This is how we live


An update is in order. It seems like such a challenge to write lately. I have no good excuse, just a lack of divine inspiration. At different times I have felt compelled to write – I had no choice. Now – it seems difficult to type the words on the keys. Good things have been happening though. My biggest complaint for the last few months has been my soulless job. That is over. I have been given an unbelievable opportunity to do work that matters. When you ask the universe, it always delivers. No more bullshit marketing. I will be the communications director for a nonprofit. Not a lame one either. Helping women in Uganda, making a real difference. That’s my new gig. I start on Thursday. I cry just thinking that this is where life has taken me. I will get the opportunity to go to Uganda at some point and see the impact of our work. It’s a life changing event for me. A chance to do work that makes a difference – use my skills for good. Help people. It matters.

I’ve decided to stop volunteering at the mental health facility. It was no longer bringing me a sense of joy and I think my work there was done. I feel like I helped some people over the last year, but things seem different lately and I didn’t feel like I was needed anymore. It feels good to be done for now and I’m happy with the experiences I had there.

I have been feeling more joyful lately. Really feeling the music in the car, singing and feeling it in my soul. I laugh a great deal too. My love makes me smile. We are so silly together and I love it. I have never felt so at home. Laying in his arms, limbs intertwined, head on his chest. It is home. I never feel alone.

I’m excited to see what the next few months hold for me. Work will be challenging, but rewarding. My body continues to evolve and my capacity to exercise is improving. Spring will bring travel and a declaration of love and commitment. Summer will be filled with adventures and new experiences. Life will be a beautiful patchwork. I’m ready. I’m alive. I’m in love.