I always thought that changing social class was one of the hardest things a person could do and something that people don’t get nearly enough credit for. Of course, this is rather self-serving since that has been my path. I grew up in a lower middle class family, complete with shared communal sock basket and gallons of generic store brand ice cream available at will. I know it was still a good life, and we Americans can be rather spoiled, but for the sake of story – we were not well off like most Americans! I knew I wanted something more, something else. I would go to friends’ homes and think – these are “those people” with the fancy food in the fridge and the mom with a pretty hairstyle and of course, a nice car and an even nicer home.
We were lucky our car made it down the street to my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. It wasn’t glamorous.
I knew that if I was going to have better and be more than just another angry person barely scraping by and bitching the whole time I would have to do some things differently.
It wasn’t easy. I pushed myself to be different, to be more like those “other” people, all while secretly hating “those people” and thinking their smiles and laughs were phony. I tried to be a preppy and fit in at school. That didn’t last long. Eventually I got into drugs and started hanging out with “the freaks.” I went on to community college, where I met a few people but mostly stayed to myself. I was already in a committed relationship with my now husband, so it was hard to fit in socially during college.
Eventually I went on to the University of Colorado at Boulder where I fit in about as good as a blueberry in a bag of oranges. It was painful. I felt so out of place and uncomfortable. I had to face a lot of fears and insecurity, but I told myself it would be worth it when I had the nice job and comfortable life – what does that even mean?! Put in the work now, it will pay off! That’s what I’d tell myself and my husband was by my side to cheer me on.
It worked. After graduating with honors and a 3.8 GPA (who is white trash now, bitches!) I went on to do an internship at the most coveted company in my industry. It was something I worked very hard for and I was proud to add it to my resume, but the truth was – I hated every minute of it. I thought if I got into advertising and marketing I’d help change culture – there were good things it could do, that’s what I’d tell myself. I’d make a difference. But I never did. Few people do when they hate their work.
My first paying job was pretty impressive. I worked my way up in a small company by being driven and pushing my creative thoughts and ideas. It was a great job. I got to travel. Meet interesting people. I even spoke at a few conferences. Not bad for a 24 year old. I was certainly changing social classes now! I started dressing better and buying nicer things. Fancy perfume. Expensive restaurants. The latest gadgets. I’m not white trash! Look at me now! Everything was to prove to myself that I had changed social classes. I had made it. Well – not completely. And probably not to “those” people, but I had come a long way and I was proud.
In order to make it that far I had to face a lot of fears and do a lot of internal work. That was fine with me. I’ve always loved self-improvement books and advice. I like to improve myself. That is how I can best contribute to the world. At least, that is what I thought. If I am not one of those angry bitter people, I am making the world a better place. If I am happy and healthy, that’s a better situation for the world than if I am on prescription drugs, laying on the couch playing Farmville and not contributing to society. By being happy and at my best, I’d be contributing. Plus, I’d had the added issues of having to change social class – something I thought deserved recognition and praise. Hey – this shit ain’t easy!
But now I realize that the biggest changing of social classes is the shift from darkworker to lightworker. I’m just using those terms as my temporary framework, I think they are too polarizing to be true to their essence. Still, no doubt I would be considered a darkworker by most people. I was gaining power and radiating energy – but only for my own gain and happiness. Is that evil? I don’t think so, but you can judge for yourself. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with the darkworker path. I think wanting to improve yourself and be happy is a worthy cause and it certainly pushes society further along than those apathetic masses! So, don’t’ beat yourself up. I’m not embarrassed or shamed by my path. It’s been incredible. Those who refuse the dark will never truly know the light!
I’m integrating the light and the dark now and I feel sorry for those who refuse to accept their full reality. Something incredible is happening to me, and while I may be feeding it and working with it, it came from outside me. My heart is opening, I feel an amazing and genuine love like never before. The best way for me to describe it is – before, I felt like I had “god” in me, (we all do!) and it was my mission to serve “god”, also known as me 🙂 Now, I feel like a servant of the greater energy. My inspiration is divine and it is my mission to carry out what is being fed to me. I am here to serve the greater good. This is a fundamental shift. It isn’t just a mental one either. I’ve been having lots of physical symptoms too – random bouts of crying, new sleep patterns, sweating and shaking, inability to eat like before and intense feelings of joy, gratitude and love. Let the light in. It feels amazing.
There is very little understanding of what a darkworker truly is and about the darkworker path to enlightenment which is why I want to explore it. When I say I am on a darkworker path, I don’t mean I am evil or a bad person. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe people are essentially good. I think we are all powerful beings, and that some of us just choose to tap into it and to live more fulfilling lives. I didn’t decide to “tap in” to this energy source to be evil or mean, I wanted to further myself and improve my life. I wanted to contribute to society and be happy.
I felt like I finally found something I could relate to with the law of attraction. I decided that this new-found philosophy and understanding was my new religion and I would find life fulfillment through that. I quickly learned that in order for that to work I would need to change what vibe or aura I was putting off. I would need to actually be happy in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. I had to set about working on myself and becoming happier so that I would be able to manifest the life I wanted and finally be truly happy. That’s doesn’t sound evil does it?
I guess where things get a little different is that I have always felt like I am the most important thing to me, and that I can help no one if I’m not at my best. This isn’t to say I ignore others or am a bad person. I value honestly and truth above all else and I pride myself on being upfront and speaking the truth to others. I help when I can and I try to live by example and show others how they can reach their true potential.
I have just been less concerned with others, with “society” and with “fitting in.” It’s been that way my whole life. I always felt sayings like “love your neighbor” and “be of service to others” were disingenuous bullshit statements people said to make themselves feel better. I still believe this to largely be the case – many people are just going through the motions and not really feeling the true intent of the words they are speaking. To me this is not honestly or truth and so I rejected it.
It took me a long time to realize that “LOVE” was what was missing with me. I tell my husband I love him 50 times a day, but it’s not really the same now, is it?
But since I’ve been opening myself up to receiving new energies and experiences I have been experiencing some incredible emotions and new feelings of love like never before. All I knew is what I feel – which is an intense rush of emotions – love, gratitude, oneness – and then I am overcome with tears of gratitude and love. I have found myself balling hysterically and I am not sad. I am happy. I am feeling love. My heart is opening and the lightworker in me is coming out to play. I can’t wait to see what gifts she brings.
I guess I always knew that I was attracted to the darker things in life – I’ve always enjoyed skulls and kept a Halloween skull doormat on my front porch for 16+ months. I have always been fascinated by crime and I’ve always understood that I was capable of doing bad things. In fact I acted out on plenty of those bad things – I’m not talking about breaking the law, I don’t even think that should count. I’m talking about truly hurtful things. Lying, stealing, intentionally inflicting pain upon others for fun. No one likes to fess up to these things, but I know there are more of you out there!
The funny thing is – I look normal. Some people would even call me nice. More often though they’d use words to describe me like: cold, tenacious, driven, smart. Those are all goods things, well maybe not the being cold part, but otherwise those seem to be good qualities. At least, that’s what I’d tell myself. I’d always been driven to achieve, no doubt because I grew up wanting my whole life. We never had enough. Not enough money, love, credit, appreciation, understanding or courage. In my house anger and passive aggressive bitterness won out. Or, you could always take the drug route. Many members of my family chose that route – it’s pretty easy to be apathetic that way. These days I call those people zombies.
I knew I wanted more. I wanted money, success, happiness, friends, recognition and status. I knew I was destined for something more. I remember telling myself in college that I was special – that I was destined for something great. I thought of Martin Luther and the Protestant Revolution, for some reason he stood out to me as a prime example of a MAN who changed the course of history. This I thought was what it was all about. See – I’m not a total asshole.I wanted to achieve greatness, influence history and make a difference. Not in a bad or destructive way.
I just got lost along the way. Or maybe I got found. You can decide for yourself. I watched the secret about 5 years ago and it changed my entire outlook on life. I realized I really did have control over my emotions and my destiny. I could change myself and my situation. I set out to do that. Along the way I realized I had plenty of things to work through in order for the law of attraction to work. I’d have to convince myself that I deserved all of the great things I wanted. I long believed I was white trash and undeserving of what I wanted. My family would call me selfish or tell me I was unrealistic. My friends couldn’t believe or imagine me having money or a successful career. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. And so I set out to do that.
My first job out of college was a test of my strength and determination. I felt like I conquered the world. I achieved power and control and I felt like I was contributing my passions and creativity to the world. But somehow it all blew up in my face. I got angry. My ambition drove me to insanity. I became impatient with my coworkers and began to say horrible hateful things not just to myself, but to others. I’d call people idiots, I’d get mad that they were not going along with what I saw as the right course. My plan. I needed my plan and my vision to be executed at all costs. I wanted people to be fired, I wanted the company restructured and I demanded more money. It wall all possible now that I knew the law of attraction. I made it happen, but when it wasn’t progressing enough or panning out exactly as I wanted I blew it up. I mean that figuratively of course. I yelled at my boss and made her cry on her birthday. I screamed through the halls. I made a scene. It was fun, but the anger took months to subside and took a serious toll on my marriage and my happiness. That’s no way to get ahead!
My next job I decided I would detach so as to not let my passion turn to anger and control or fear of others. I became apathetic. I chose a job I was not interested in and become even less interested as time wore on. Eventually I got laid off. That was when the magic started to happen.
That was in February 2012. Since then I’ve been exploring myself and my own internal world. I started dancing all the time. I mean silly dancing – around the house, in my underwear. I have been meditating and connecting with myself like never before.
It was in this time that the idea of shadow work reemerged in my life. (My first encounter with it was when exploring Carl Jung’s work several years ago, but I was intimidated by the work required) I quickly became intrigued with shadow work and started telling everyone I could about it. I told them to get in touch with their dark side. For some reason this seemed to really resonate with every single person I told. They were all touched and inspired by this idea. I, however, felt a strange comfort with what other’s perceived to be “ the shadow”. These feelings were very accessible to me. I always knew I could get pleasure from hurting others – I’d done it before. Not just as an adult, but as a child attacking my sister and even chasing her with a butcher knife when I was 14. I knew I was willing to put others aside in order to meet my agenda. I’d tell myself it wasn’t because I thought I was better, but simply that – if they wanted to, they could do the same thing and I would be fine with that. I believed I was special, but I thought anyone could be if they’d just try and stop consuming so much TV and Prozac.
It was a few weeks after exploring this concept that I started reading Steve Pavlina’s blog and stumbled on an article about integrating the light and dark. It was there that I saw his explanation of the “shadow” of a darkworker and I knew at the moment I was a darkworker. He said a darkworker’s shadow includes ” voices of love, caring, compassion, and the desire for authentic connection.” These were the emotions that I had been blocking for so long. These were the emotions I felt uncomfortable with. I tried to mask it with hugs and smiles, but deep down I didn’t resonate with love and compassion for others – certainly not above myself. I mean, there were times when I would go out of my way to help other people, in an almost unhealthy way. But – I always kept myself as number one and I would not help anyone at my expense. Ever.
I’m lucky enough to be experiencing a huge shift in my perspective. I’m getting in touch with my shadow – it just so happens my shadow is actually the light. It’s been an incredible experience. I can’t wait to share more with you.
who am I?
did the old me die?
this feels oddly familiar
but something is different
different from before
before I knew I could go mad
you can too
it’s in all of us
I thought I knew
that is one idea I blew
now all I can do is stew
let life settle down
take a look around
eliminate the need to fixate
get ride of expectation
extremes are gone
replaced by neutral emotions
just take the pill they say
swallow and forget what you may
hard to get out of the cycle
pills today, pills forever
I’m fine now. no longer under the weather
hard to find hope in a pill bottle
all I do is wallow
self-pity and anger
my mind is more like a stranger
the passion is gone
along with the curiosity and joy
replaced by irritation and agitation
what is done has already happened
the future has not happened
observe what is
don’t dwell on what was
hands tremble and shake
I wonder if it is too late
to turn back the hands of time
press the rewind
to a time when my mind was mine
I liked it just fine
fine until it betrayed me
once it decided I could no longer just be
when being me means being mean
confusion sets in and it is all you see
once you get a label
society sees you as unable
I am still here
despite their fear
if I can only steer clear
my true voice, they will hear
remove the layers
peel back the skin
it’s still me
fighting for a chance to be seen
they will not listen to what you know
they don’t realize they are shallow
put a label on it, give the proper dosage
mask the soul within
make sure she doesn’t sin
I will not have it
this is my life to live
no more drugs
breathe life into the lungs
darkness creeps into my eyes
battling the light for what’s wise
scared to keep them closed
not seeing life – more like the emperor’s new clothes
naked and exposed, waiting to be hosed
looking for a punishment for a crime I did not commit
I’m confused and sick
looking around for a cure, hoping I’m not next to get a prick
injecting fluids against my will
making my soul feel ill
for my right to be free someone had to kill
now I’m standing numb, no freedom here
crying and hoping someone will hear or feel
feel my pain, inside my brain
nothing here for me to gain
freedom is free to be
I look around and all I see
people held against their will, just like me
the brain is a mystery
no one understands it fully
drugs play with my brain chemistry
is it worth it for a chance to see differently?
I just want to be