New Year

Something new is about to brew

It’s a new year

I’m in the clear

Goodbye to all the mayhem

Welcome to who I am

It’s a chance for something new

A chance to see it through

I’m ready for a change

For things to rearrange

It will be  year full of love

I can feel it, blessings from above

Cheers to all that is fresh and new

Go out and celebrate, no feeling blue

Fresh Start

Where did the time go?

Like tracks in a snow

Little to show

The imprints melt away

What more is there to say

I cannot get it back

It fades into the black

It has been consumed

The flowers have bloomed

Their petals have faded

I’m left jaded

Time for rebirth

New feelings and experience to unearth

It will be better now

I’m not sure when or how

I know it in my heart

This is a fresh start

Into the Deep

I have been awakened

My foundation has been shaken

It feels like I’m mistaken

This is what it feels like to be alive

Something just doesn’t jive

The sensations are new

There is never a feeling of blue

There is no uncertainty

Everything is clear to see

But once the episode is over

There is something missing, something looked over

I want to experience it again

But they tell me to ignore the feelings

They aren’t my friend

But I know there are lessons buried within

To want to experience that again, is it a sin?

The madness, the terror

There is beauty in the error

To feel at peace with life and death

There is no greater feeling

Most cannot comprehend the depth

I am the madness

They say move on
Go forward, let go of the bomb
But how do you let go
When it’s all you know
I’m not ashamed
I can be blamed
My madness is a part of me
That is easy for me to see
It makes others uneasy
But it’s not them I aim to please
I put my own mind at ease
I am comfortable with me
Including the insanity
It’s them that can’t accept
It was me all along, however inept

Welcome Back

I took a break from blogging because it was affecting other areas of my life – like finding a job. I wanted to be so open and honest with the world, I decided practicality was of little importance. I changed my mind when a job I dearly wanted ended up not happening after they presumably read my rantings. So, I took down the blog and kept to myself. Now I’ve found a job and my life is back on track. Still, I feel I must be more discrete, and so I started this new blog – the title is no longer my name and I feel like I can be more free with my thoughts. I want to share my story – the story of being hospitalized for a bipolar episode. The journey that got me there, and the journey to recovery – the journey to becoming whole again.

I thought I was experiencing a spiritual awakening – I was certain of it. Look back to the April archives and you’ll see what I mean. Then, one night it happened – I went fully insane. I was seeing shadows, and then even more hallucinations – a helicopter crashed in the front yard, a two dimensional figure waving at me. I was hearing voices too – I thought I was communicating with friends and family through my thoughts – projecting them out to the world. They were speaking back to me too…only they weren’t. It was all part of a manic episode, or so they say. Who decides what crazy is, anyways? Have they ever experienced what we go through? I doubt it. They cannot understand what it feels like to have an episode so intense it requires nearly a month of hospitalization.

Since I’ve been out it’s been difficult for me to move forward, to feel like me again. Surely I will never be the same again. Something like that changes your life forever. Your perspective is forever changed. You see the world differently. You see yourself differently.

I’m feeling more whole now – but I must admit I miss the mania – the sense of oneness with the world. I’m trying to incorporate some of those thoughts into my thinking now. I want to feel as free as I did before the insanity. I thought I had the world all figured out. I thought I was a prophet, and my words were prophetic. Now I am a mere mortal. Working 9-5. Just getting by and living life. I want to feel the magic again, without all of the insanity. I am trying to grasp at it, but it escapes me. It will be a balancing act – maintaining sanity while attempting to recapture the magic of it.

Time Changes

I’ve been so afraid

My bed had been made

Plans had been laid

But things change

They rearrange

What once seemed strange

Is now here

There is little to fear

Time has passed

I won’t be last

My past won’t define me

It can only remind me

It doesn’t affect me

Unless I let it direct me

I can move on

I deserve better, a happy song

They may have hurt me

My thoughts distort me

Now I choose my fate

It is never too late