Looking up

I’m ready to take flight

I’ve got the future in my sight

I’ve tried, I’ve put up a fight

Now I’m ready to soar

I want so much more

What exactly, I’m not sure

But I know there is something out there

It should be mine if life is fair

I can take on a dare

I’m ready, I’m not scared

I’ve hidden in the dark

Waiting for a spark

I am ready to emerge

My feelings are rushing, I feel a surge

Life is looking up for me

I can’t wait for the world to see

I’m ready

I’m ready to be off drugs. At least I think I am. I’ve been taking Zyprexa and Lithium since May and it seems long enough. I always thought that taking drugs for mental health was bullshit – why would “god” make people defective? It just never made sense to me. Just because you don’t understand someone or they don’t think like you – does that mean they must be drugged? I could never wrap my head around that. Then I had a breakdown. A severe break from reality. I believed I was a time traveler. A god. A devil. A vampire. I no longer operated in this world. I was someplace else entirely. “They” didn’t understand me and determined I was sick and so they forced me to take drugs. They went through the courts and had me deemed insane and so they had permission to give me drugs against my will. I cried and screamed as they injected me with big needles and killed my soul. At least that’s how I felt. I felt they were killing me, and my mind. They couldn’t understand me, so they drugged me. Once I left the hospital I was sure I’d get off the drugs – they just don’t align with my view of how life should be. I am just a normal person, “god” made me this way, so why should I take drugs? I decided to take the drugs because my family encouraged me to, and because I didn’t want another episode.  I didn’t want to end up back in the mental hospital. It’s an awful place, and it’s awful to be injected with drugs against your will. So, here I am – still on the drugs. My doctor says I can get off the Zyprexa now. My next visit she’ll cut my dosage in half, and then after that no more Zyprexa at all. For now, the lithium will stay. I’m not sure what it’s doing, but I’m going to keep giving it a try. Why? I’m really not sure. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I hope to be drug free one day. I didn’t need drugs before my episode, so why do I need them now? Ahh…to be bipolar.

Locked Away

Looking for validation

Hoping to ignite a nation

Thinking I control the weather

Laying in my bed, hoping to get better

My brain is throbbing

I am sobbing

Then laughing uncontrollably

My insanity is plain for all to see

Running through the halls with no clothes on at all

Can’t believe I’m here, in the psych ward

My thoughts and feelings are not heard

Bruises line my arms

The security guards did me harm

My actions were cause for alarm

The other patients look at me

Do they see the insanity?

All I want is to be free

I try to plea

They won’t listen to me

They say I’m too crazy

They force me to take drugs

They say no more hugs

I have to follow the plan

Learn the lay of the land

By the time they let me out

All I can do it pout

I just want to shout

 

Complicated

Life used to seem easy

Now it’s hard to please me

It’s hard to be lighthearted

Things are more complicated than when they started

I want to be a child again

To smile when the sun hits my skin

It was easy to just be

Life’s little joys – they were easy to see

But things get complicated

Happiness gets confiscated

But I want to grab ahold of it

I want to be content to just sit

To be me in a world that has set out to destroy me

That is where I want to be

Happy to just be