Peace and Progress

I’m excited

My heart ignited

Absolutely delighted

I can feel my senses returning

My insides are burning

Things are turning around

Can you hear that sound?

It’s my heart pounding

The theme is resounding

Growth and closure

Wounds are healing, I’m sure

I’m ready to take a step forward

I want my voice to be heard

Rest assured

I won’t let myself take a step back

I’m on the right track

Peace and progress

I’m blessed

 

Made Whole

It’s been a year

I think I’m in the clear

I’m tired of living in fear

Fear of myself

Fear of my health

I’m ready for something new

I want to see it through

I’m better than I used to be

That’s easy for me to see

But issues still linger

Like I need to pull out a stinger

But it’s a part of me now

The trauma, the horror, the things I allow

I’m integrating various parts

It’s like a fine art

All the moving pieces, sliding about

Some move in, some move out

What’s left is my bare soul

I’m being made whole

I’m More Complete

These days seem so significant. It’s that time – it’s been a year since I lost my mind. On this day last year I was fully insane, unable to comprehend what was happening to me. I thought I died on this day and was resurrected. I was scared of what was happening to my body. I was outside of my body. Outside of my mind. Floating in thoughts and daydreams. Chanting, convulsing, cold sweats and vomit.

It seems like a day for celebration. Certainly a time for contemplation. I’ve survived the most horrific time of my life. I’ve come out of it. I’m here. I’m sane. I’m relatively fine. I’m outside – in the real world. I even have a job. I have people who love me. I love me.

It’s funny though – despite all the horror of what happened to me, I don’t see it as a bad thing. My husband tells me to stop glorifying it. He has a point. I do see it as something special, a blessing of some sort. Something like that doesn’t just happen for no reason. There has to be some good to come out of it. The days leading up to my breaking point were pure bliss. I felt like I had attained enlightenment. I felt privileged and special. Chosen, even. Just because I lost my mind, that doesn’t negate all of those feelings, that experience. Still, I certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone go through what I went through. It was frightening. It was like I imagine death to be. In fact, I thought I died three times during the early stages of my episode. That is an intense experience. Yet, it is strangely comforting – peaceful even. See – I’m all over the place, the horror – the beauty. It was both things. It was a complicated event.

I guess I always thought bipolar was simply a mood disorder, an inability to regulate feelings. I never imagined that it could lead to hallucinations and complete disassociation. Utter insanity. I always thought those things were relegated to some other disorder – schizophrenia maybe. I had no idea. Who knew that an elevated mood could lead to an inability to live in this world – a complete break from reality. I thought the nurses and doctors were people I knew, only they were in different bodies, on a different reality plane. I couldn’t comprehend that I didn’t know these people – I kept calling them names of people I did know, people they slightly resembled, or just “felt” like. That was just one small piece of the confusion going on in my mind.

Some people don’t believe anyone can ever recover from something like that. They can’t accept that healing is possible. They are afraid of mental illness and they don’t want to believe it can happen to a “regular” person. Well, it can. It does happen. You can overcome it. I think I just have more depth now, I’m more complicated. My soul has been carved with some deep lines and ridges. I’m more beautiful. I’m more complete.

Don’t Break Your Contract

One year ago today I wrote this post. It was during my manic period. I was hospitalized 4 days later. I just think there are some really good thoughts expressed here. Enjoy 🙂

Musings From a Ragged Soul

I touched briefly on the idea of being a servant here, but I wanted to elaborate on the concept and hear more about what you think being a servant means. I have said that being a darkworker is about dedicating your life to service of self, whereas lightworkers dedicate themselves to service of god or humanity as a whole. Many people cannot identify with either path – that’s fine. I’m not talking to you, but you are welcome to listen in 😉 Service to self sounds very scary or disturbing to some people – but I think that is very polarizing and judgmental. I’ll write more on judgement later – but it a key to understanding the greater picture. In short – drop the judgement  – it does not further you or society and keeps more people “asleep” in the states of shame and guilt!

In my path I…

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Feel the Magic

I want to feel the magic again. The feeling you get when you sit outside, with a cool breeze blowing, the trees swaying back and forth. The feeling of pure bliss, with the sun shining and the birds singing in your ears. The smile that spreads across my face as the squirrels run up and down the fence and bunnies hop about – chasing each other and fleeing from my adorable dachshund. The beauty of the moment. The joy I feel as I let go of myself completely – when I dance wildly, limbs flailing, eyes closed, hips gyrating. The emotions that overwhelm me – the joy that brings tears running down my face. The love I feel in my heart as I thank the universe for giving me the opportunity to experience so much happiness in my life. I want to feel it again. The complete surrender to some force greater than myself. The loss of control. The loss of fear. No more anxiety. No more worries. Complete bliss.

The thing that breaks my heart is that once you are labeled bipolar you are told you cannot feel these things again – that is mania, and mania is bad. Fuck that! I refuse to give up on pure bliss and love. I WILL feel it again. I have no desire to lose my mind again – hallucinating, hearing voices – that is not fun. But, the magic, the love – I know I can find it again. Before I ever had my episode, I felt these feelings. I have always had moments of bliss, of feeling at one with nature – of feeling in complete control of my destiny, of feeling powerful in my own life. Call it mania if you like, but I am determined to experience it again…and again…and again. It’s how I want to feel. It’s how I’m meant to feel. It’s who I’m meant to be. I will be happy again, I will continue to seek enlightenment and I will find my bliss.

The Answers

I think I know the answers

They’re swarming around my head like dancers

I’ve thought these thoughts before

Then they left, passed through a door

Like all the greats, I was fed inspiration

It came from above, without instigation

But it was too much for my weak brain

There was no way to prepare for it, or to train

I was overloaded with information and stimuli

The thoughts were fleeting, and intense as they floated by

I couldn’t absorb everything that was coming at me

It felt so good, but made my eyes bleed

The visions and thoughts exploded

I felt like all of the information from the gods, I downloaded

My mind was swimming in ecstasy

My body no longer belonged to me

I was merely a vessel

Channeling thoughts and energies, ‘til I’d swell

I was chosen, my rational mind – frozen

Like an acid trip you cannot escape

It felt amazing, until it was too late

Now I want to know that brilliance again

Feel the energy, the magic, the sin

One Year

I just got an alert that I started my blog 1 year ago today. Wow. What a year it has been. A year ago this blog had a different name and tagline – I think it was “Enlightenment. The Road Less Traveled. Integrating Light and Dark” Something like that. The url was my full name – shaynalashway.com. I’ve since changed that for job searching/professional reasons. A year ago today I was blissful. I felt like my life finally had a purpose. Everything seemed so crystal clear. Just four days later I experienced psychosis – first seeing shadows, then eventually seeing full blown hallucinations like a helicopter crashed in my front yard. I believed I was telepathically communicating with friends and family while I tossed and turned in my bed, rolling around in vomit and sweat. Two days later, and less than a week after I wrote my first blog post I was hospitalized for a manic episode and diagnosed with bipolar 1. It was an intense experience that has changed me forever. I’ve spent the last year trying to understand what happened to me, and why. There are so many questions left unanswered. I still feel like what happened to me was somehow spiritual – even if it was some type of spiritual crisis.

As I approach this week of anniversaries – the day I went insane, the day I was hospitalized – I’m in a contemplative mood. Where do I go from here? What is my new “normal”? What do I want in this life? How do I recapture some of the magic of my mania? How do I avoid another episode? How do I manage the bipolar and live a med-free life? How do I help others in a similar situation? I have so many questions and so few answers. I cannot even imagine what the next year will be like. I hope that a year from now I’m happily off of the lithium and loving life. I hope I can move past this experience, spend less time thinking and speaking about it. I hope I can feel that sense of purpose and love for everyone and everything. I want to be better. Better than I’ve ever been before. More complete. More content.