Daydreaming

These words seem more true now than ever. Maybe not a commune…but love, acceptance…

Musings From a Ragged Soul

I’m lost. Daydreaming about strangers and a life that has never existed. Fantasies that have yet to materialize. Thoughts of living another reality, some other place, other people that only exist in my mind. They are real, but not real to me. Not yet anyway. They are words on a page that has yet to be written. They are scattered about, and I must pick up the pieces. The lost fragments of my heart. They are calling to me. I want to be with them. In some far and distant land where love and raw emotions run wild. Where there is no judgement or worry. A place where we can express ourselves and finally be free. Free from societal pressures and bullshit facades. Free to be what we were always meant to be – and on one can stop us. I can’t escape these thoughts.They consume me. I’m willing to…

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It’s a New Day

I did it. I moved out. I’m getting a divorce. The ring is removed, though the indent remains. I’m sorry I have been so quiet the last few weeks. A lot has been on my mind. I didn’t come to this decision lightly…some of you may remember I almost left a few months ago. At the time, one of my favorite bloggers urged me to follow my heart, and to follow love. Thank you <3. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I realized many things over the last year. My episode changed me. It rattled me. It shook me to my core. It made me realize what matters, and what matters is my heart. My husband had grown to fear me – and my sanity. If I laughed too much, he questioned it. If I stood out in the rain to enjoy the fresh air, he’d pull me back inside. He discouraged me from going back to school to do something I love. He would threaten me with the psych ward if he thought I was acting strangely. But….looking back, there have been issues all along. Too much drinking. Too much smoking weed. Too much yelling. Not enough fun. Not enough understanding. Not enough growth or progress. Not enough dancing in the rain. I’m done. It’s a new beginning. This time I’m following my heart, and I’m following love. I can’t wait to see what the coming months hold for me. I’ll keep you posted, but please forgive me if I’m not posting as frequently. I’m living my life. I’m following my dreams.

Dreaming

Drifting

Dreaming

Trying to decipher the meaning

My heart skips a beat

I am not being discreet

I can’t wait to meet

Skin against skin

Inviting you in

I feel like a child

Run free and wild

I’ve found what I was seeking

It’s you that is speaking

The words in my heart

I’m ready to start

Joy

Laying on the top of the picnic table. Knees bent, facing towards the sky. There is a warm breeze. The sky is blue. Not a cloud in sight. Dandelions throughout the lawn. I imagine myself being small enough to crouch beneath them and use them as shelter. I’d be a tiny fairy, dancing across the grass. The dandelions are so whimsical. I want to run through the lawn, brushing up against them and scattering their fragments about. It’s a Sunday afternoon and I’m daydreaming. Imagining a different life. A joyful existence. Summers spent outdoors, picnics and mountain adventures. The back window is open. I listen to the music coming from inside the house. I can barely make out the sounds, but there is just enough noise for me to fill in the blanks. I feel at peace, if only for a moment.

I’ve been feeling blissful. Less frustrated. Things are not perfect – I decided to switch medications, and my dosage is going to go up. I’m upset about it, but I’m not letting myself focus on it. I know the decisions are ultimately mine and I can stop it all at any time. Just say fuck it to all of it. The medication. The psychiatrist. I’m less concerned about it though. I feel more content. I have started going to a meditation group – last Tuesday was my first visit. I’ll be going every week. I think it will help me feel more peaceful, more grounded.

I feel the joy returning. Driving to work this morning and a song comes on the radio. It’s as if I’m at a concert. I shout out “woo hoo!” and begin singing at the top of my lungs. I dance like a fool – the car next to me glances over at me and laughs. I smile back, happy to brighten their morning. I’m on my way to work, and yet – I’m looking forward to the day. There will moments throughout that will make me smile. I will laugh, I will feel joy. I’m going to be happy. I can feel it. I’ve turned a corner. In two days I’ll be celebrating my 1 year anniversary since I was released from the hospital. I’m so happy with where I’m at – emotionally, mentally. I am in a good place.

 

Bloody Dreams

Disturbing dreams. Blood. Everywhere. I’m having the strangest visions. Last night was the most bizarre. Walking down a lonely street – its dusk. Suddenly a group of men approach me from behind – I think they were riding horses. They were armed. They circled me. I felt small. Powerless. Scared. The darkness set in. I feared they were going to kill me. Suddenly a group of triplets – grown women – entered the circle. They were dressed in conservative garb – dusty blue floor length dresses. Their eyes were black. Their hair, hidden beneath bonnets. I was forced down on my knees. They stood above me, peering down at me with their beady eyes. Suddenly blood began oozing from them – from their eyes, their mouths, everywhere. I was forced to drink it. I crouched beneath them, with my mouth open, blood flowing all over me and into my mouth. The taste was foul. It was rushing so quickly, covering my face and making it hard to breath. I began gagging, choking on the blood. Eventually the whole ordeal was over and it was revealed that it was a joke of some sort. A hoax, or a prank. I wasn’t laughing though.

I’m not sure what to make of it. I looked it up on a dream interpretation site and found this: “To dream that you are drinking blood, indicates that you have a fresh burst of vitality and power.” I guess that sounds alright. It was definitely the most unusual dream I can recall. I’ll certainly be talking to my therapist about it tomorrow. I’ve been having nightmares the last few weeks, and I’m not sure what is triggering them. I usually don’t remember my dreams – sometimes I’ll go months on end without remembering a single one. This week – I can recall five.

Sunshine

Sunshine

It feels sublime

Springtime on my mind

I stand outside

Let the rain pass me by

The smell of the air

The wind in my hair

I have not a care

The dirt beneath my nails

The rain that turns to hail

My soul has set sail

The bunnies hop about

It’s time for me to step out

Feel the warmth on my face

I’m in the exactly the right place

A Walk

Went for a walk yesterday – the first walk of the year. I really need to get outside more. It is so calming. It makes me feel happy to be where I am. My house is located in an odd spot – I’m directly on a highway, I can hear the cars rushing by my windows. But, in all directions there are fields and farms. A few doors down is a farm museum. Along the property they have all sorts of bizarre pieces of old equipment. I love old, rusty and decrepit things. Here are a few photos. One day I’ll get a better camera and in time I hope I’ll get better at capturing things with my lens. Beautiful Colorado.

 

 

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