Racing

Lying down in the bed

Thoughts leave my head

No worries, no fear

Just being held tight and near

No words escape my lips

Just feeling your hands on my hips

You breathe in and out

I try to figure out what you’re all about

Your blue eyes meet mine

A reflection so sublime

I dream of you all day

Until I return home, and we can lay

Embracing, fingers interlacing

My heart is racing

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Discovery

Moving on

Sadness gone

Done with the label

Some sort of fable

I’ll never know what it was

Psychosis, violence, an endless buzz

It’s in the past

It didn’t last

A month of confusion

Delusion, obtrusion

A long road to recovery

A period of discovery

I understand my mind

So much anger and trauma, left behind

Entering a new phase

The last year, a bit of a daze

One foot in front of the other

Taking care of myself

Like I’m my own mother

Moving Forward

I like the way things are going. I am off medication. No antipsychotics, no mood stabilizer. Just some vitamin program called True Hope. I’m not sure if it’s doing anything, but I’m going along with it. It’s not a drug. There don’t seem to be any serious side effects, and I feel good. I saw my psychiatric nurse today. She complimented me – saying that I seem more self-aware and she is happy with how far I’ve come in the last few months. She gave me a hug. Not a pity hug, just a friendly hug. She seemed like she was being candid. She told me about a personal friend of hers that has also been diagnosed with bipolar because of her manic psychosis, but she doesn’t have depression, like me. This woman has not been doing well though – it was a bit of a cautionary tale. I think she was just trying to tell me not to be naive, and to realize that it’s important to remain stable and not become enamored with the mania. She acknowledged the spiritual aspect of my episode, but also pointed out the imbalance that led to it. I don’t want to be manic again. Yes, it was magical and spiritual and all of that, but it was also a painful process. I know if it happens again I could be hospitalized and forced to take medication again, something I greatly fear. So…I’m hoping that never happens again. I’m hoping I can find a balance and remain stable and happy. I feel like I’ve come so far. I feel like the mania and the psychosis is a thing of the past. I really feel like I’ve distanced myself from it. I feel like I’ve healed. I feel more complete and content than before my episode. I feel like a whole person. I like the way my life is forming and shifting. I’m happy with my mental state. I’m thrilled with my new relationship and the love I feel. I’m finally starting to lose some of the weight I put on in the last 12-15 months from all the upheaval and medication side effects. I’m doing better at work. I’ve dumped a lot of the negativity that was around me. I’m reconnecting with people. Life is good.

Feel My Breath

Pictures and fantasies

They consume me like a disease

Put my mind at ease

I just want to please

Worship you

Down on my knees

Take my hand

This could never be planned

You’re my safe place to land

Forget trite statements and words

I don’t need to speak to be heard

Feel my breath

There’s nothing left

Just me and you

It’s been forever, yet it’s new

I knew you all along

In my mind, never gone

A figment of my imagination

Til I found you in the flesh – elation

Now you’ll board a plane

One last time, to escape the constant rain

Goodbye loneliness

Enter into a new state a bliss

No one could imagine these feelings

These are not typical dealings

Our eyes meet

There’s no way to cheat

Raw and exposed

You look into me like I’ve never known

 

Inside Insanity

Wow. Just looking back at this time last year. This poem really stuck out to me. Really gets at the emotions of my hospitalization.

Musings From a Ragged Soul

Dreaming dreams
What do they mean?
I’m awake but don’t know the date
Seeing flashes of light
But it’s dark and it’s night
This is true fright
While shadows over take you
Dreams penetrate you
Nightmares become real
You feel the sting of their chill
You are ill, just don’t take the pill
Keep your morals
Your not a little girl
You are a warrior, ready to fight
Those that bump in the night
But it is day
Not time to play
Your mind has escaped you
Your thoughts they have raped you
You fall asleep
But far too deep
you think this is death
you take your last breath
you know you’re not done
that was just number one
now it’s your time to rise
show them what’s in your eyes
be strong in spirit
and make sure they hear it
I fear them and they fear me
Uncertain…

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The Maze

Ever-changing

Rearranging

Caught gazing

Trail blazing

What a year

I lived in fear

My life so unclear

Let myself be defined

By insanity, false states of mind

Looking back

I was under attack

By my own thoughts

In the madness, I was caught

These days I try not to dwell

On all those days and months of hell

I was not well

Now I’ve said goodbye to medication

Some would call that crazy – to me, elation

I never wanted any of it

Even though, I know I was sick

It felt so good

But – who knows what was under the hood

I just know

Back to that mess, I never want to go

I’m entering a new phase

I don’t want to live in a haze

Escape the maze

New Life

I have been so quiet. I suppose that is what happens when life consumes you. So much has happened in the last few weeks and months. I’m not sure where to begin. I am in love. I met a blogger and we decided to start a life together. I’m getting a divorce – my court hearing is tomorrow. He is getting a divorce too. He is moving 1000 miles to be with me. We are going to make a go of things. He came to visit me. I picked him up at the airport on June 30th. The first moment I saw him was unreal…I think we were both in a bit of shock. I felt comfortable immediately…though a bit nervous I suppose. We spent the last week or so together – I dropped him back off at the airport yesterday. It was a sad moment…but at the same time, it means we are that much closer to him being here for good, in just a few weeks he will move here…maybe only a week, plans have not yet been finalized. Seeing him in the flesh, touching his hand, gazing into his blue eyes…it was glorious. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me feel complete and content. We are a funny pair, both crazy in our own ways. I think we balance each other out though, and make each other feel comfortable.

It was so much fun to see him take in the scenery and all of the differences from where he is from. Colorado is quite different from the south, and I loved just watching him look around at all the bicycles and free spirits wandering the streets. I got to experience the area I live in in a new light. Walking the streets I call home I discovered new things with him, things that had been there all along, and yet I had overlooked them. I gained a new appreciation for all the beauty and culture right beside me. He makes my life brighter, my soul richer, my mind clearer. I’m ready for a new life with him. One that is filled with love and laughter. Acceptance and appreciation. Kindness and gentleness.  I love him so. I can’t wait to show him what he means to me every day from here on out. I can’t wait until he is here for good. I want to wake up to that face every day and start my morning off by lying next to him and feeling at home.