Who am I?

Who am I?

What matters?

What makes me cry?

I have to ask why

Why have I walked this path?

It must add up

Life is perfect math

The roads I’ve walked

The talks I’ve talked

The movements I’ve made

The plans I’ve laid

The madness I’ve endured

The words that I’ve heard

It all adds up to me

Now how do I proceed?

Escape the 9-5

Feel like I’m alive

Fulfill my life’s mission

Follow through with my vision

Help guide others along

Show them their heart

So they can sing their song

Such a lofty goal – can’t be wrong

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I’m Trying

Changes. My divorce has been finalized. It feels good to be done with it, but it is also sad. So many hopes and dreams, and then poof – it’s over. I was so young when I got married. I had just turned 21. I felt so mature and ready, I didn’t care that everyone told me to wait. Much of my marriage was spent in a haze. Drinking. Smoking weed. There were good times, and some bad. Verbal abuse, especially after too much drinking. Me being neglectful and resentful. I never really showed much love, I feel bad about that. I withheld affection and sometimes I yelled. When I was manic I attacked my husband, I tried to gauge his eye out and ripped at the veins in his neck. I guess I had some pent up anger. At this stage, I don’t regret any of it. I guess that’s always been how I view things – no regrets. I say that because it all happened for a reason. I wouldn’t be me, I wouldn’t be in this moment without all of those past moments. It’s over now, but it will be with me always.

Now I’m in a new relationship, something entirely different. I’m trying to be a better partner this time around. Be supportive. Give love openly. Show gratitude. It feels different. I just knew there was something special about our connection instantly. The first time I heard his voice. The first time I gazed into his eyes. It’s like we were the only two people in the world. He was all I ever wanted and the only person I could ever imagine holding in my arms. He is my missing piece.

I’m just trying to find a new normal. I’m done with medication and the psychiatrist. I broke up with my therapist. I started with a new therapist last week, one who specializes in anxiety, OCD and – skin picking. My dirty little secret. My shame. My embarrassment. I want to be able to wear a bathing suit – or even just a tank top and not worry about all the scars and wounds running up and down my arms. It is heartbreaking to see what I’ve done to myself. I’m ready to be done with that.

I’m also trying to lose some of this weight I’ve put on since my episode a year and a half ago. I’m trying to be more active. I’m trying to be less lazy and push myself. I’m so used to staying in my boring comfort zone. I’ve got to push myself and keep moving forward. It’s the only way.

Falling Short

Never enough

Calling my bluff

Don’t fit the description

Can’t explain my condition

Try not to judge

Don’t hold a grudge

I’m not always right

I don’t like to fight

Words come out wrong

Just trying to get along

I hate the way I speak

Sometimes I am too meek

Other times I’m not fair

But trust me – I care

You’d think I’d be more compassionate

At times that definition doesn’t fit

I’m falling short

Don’t want to hurt

Hard to relearn

I yearn 

Patience and understanding

I’m working on it – it’s what I’m planning