I’m not well

Trapped in my own hell

What is this smell?

A stench of disgust

An unforgiving must

I obsess

I’m a mess

Examining skin

Vain, I live in sin


Avoiding necessary actions

Can’t seem to let things go

Even though – I know

This is silly shit

Superficial – that’s it


Wishing and hoping

I write because I have to let it out, but lately I haven’t been feeling it. I’m not sure what I want to say or how I want to say it. I don’t want to disappoint my readers, but I don’t want to hold back either. What is on my mind? I’m never really sure. I think I must be a master at zoning out. I can go for long periods of time with emptiness on my mind…blank, nothingness that lasts for long stretches of time. It is a gift I suppose, as I know many people can’t seem to turn off their brains. Sometimes I can’t seem to turn mine on.

One thing that I have had on my mind – I’ve been obsessing about work lately – about finding a different job. I think it’s rather pathetic that I let something like this consume my thoughts. I seem to have very little control over the situation. I apply to jobs…a few contact me to talk, but then I can’t seem to make it in for an in person interview. It’s a long process and one that frustrates me and makes me feel inadequate. When I was unemployed last summer, it was the darkest of times for me. I felt so useless and sad. I sort of hate my career, but I’m hopeful I can find something I at least somewhat enjoy. I make decent money and have a decent job title – but no real control or say in the business or how things get done. I hate that.

Aside from work I’m just trying to feel good about myself. I’ve been feeling rather insecure about my looks. I’ve been trying to stop picking at my skin because I can see discoloration and scars from old acne and I feel like shit about it. I’m trying everything I can think of to make it look better. I’m doing some microdermabrasion now, that’s supposed to help with the superficial scars on my face. I hate that I worry about my appearance, but I can’t seem to stop it. I’m also trying to lose some weight, but I hate worrying about that too. It doesn’t help that all of the women in my office love to talk about diets and exercise and all of that. I hate the obsession with weight. I just want to feel more comfortable in my skin.

I’m also trying to make sure my fiancé is doing alright. We’re official now – he got me a beautiful ring and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. I can’t imagine life any other way. But, I worry that I’m not helping him enough and he is stressed out. I wish there was more I could do to ease his worries. Instead, at times I think I’m making things worse. I say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I know I’m still in a bit of a transitional phase – but I just want to be happy and comfortable. I want to focus on what matters – being happy. I want to spend less time worrying about superficial shit like my skin and my waistline. I want to feel like I’m progressing forward and things are getting better. I don’t want to dread going to work every day. I don’t want to worry that I’m saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things. I don’t want to worry about what other people think. I don’t want to feel like I have to hide parts of myself from others. I want to be an open book. I want to be more carefree. I want to incorporate some of the beauty of my mania into my everyday life. I want peace and joy and love in my life – in every aspect of my life.