I have been quiet, but my mind has not. I’ve separated myself from my past and I can only hope that it will last. Less focus on mental health, more focus on life as it is now.
One year ago I made a huge change in my life. I moved out of my home, ending a relationship with a man I had called my husband for nearly 8 years. I spent my entire adult life with him. I took a risk and it has been a blessing.
I have made many changes in the last year. I started a new life with a man who sets my heart ablaze. We are married now. We celebrated our love in Sedona with a private ceremony, just the two of us. It was magical. Rainbows, kisses and laughter abound.
Now we are leaving this place I have called home for my entire life – almost 30 years now. We’re leaving Colorado and heading south to a new home in the high desert. I’m excited to start over, try something new. It’s a chance to clear the plate and end a huge chapter in my life. I’ve lost many relationships over the last year or so and what remains is a shell – a few relationships that I cherish and greatly appreciate, but the rest are damaged. Family is not what it should be. Old friends I once called close are gone. My life as I knew it for so many years – gone.
I’ve been sad the last few weeks, reflecting on all of the relationships that have ended or seem too damaged to revive. People I trusted who betrayed me. People who turned their backs on me. I cherish friends, but they don’t seem to care. I try so hard for other people and in return they ignore me. It makes me angry that someone who cares as much as I do can live 30 years and feel so few connections to people. If they only knew the hole in my soul where friends and family should be…but instead it is just me. Me and my husband taking on the world. It seems so cold and lonely at times, but when I am in his arms it all makes sense. His chest is my home. His heartbeat is mine. Our minds are intertwined. There is no rewind. Forward we go. Into the unknown.