Words feel forced, but I need to get them out. I have so many emotions, so many feelings. I can’t described them all, I might fall. Fall from grace, fall flat on my face. So hard not to judge, not to feel the rub. I am uncomfortable in my skin. That’s why I drink…I think. It helps me feel numb, to ignore the pain. I feel like I can’t pick the skin, I just sit and let it in. Without a drink it’s hard not to think. I have to occupy my hands and my mind. I pick the skin, I search for bumps. I feel restless and angry. Angry that this has been life for so long. Drink after drink, my soul is gone. Numb and dumb. Use it for excuses and reasons. It controls my life more than I’d ever like to admit. I’ve been so angry and yet I’m lazy. Hard to change a habit I’ve had for so long. I can’t make the feelings go away, they’ll never be gone. It’s a built in excuse. Something I use to hide from my laziness. Reasons I need to not succeed. It’s easier to sit back and drink. Ignore my greatness. Ignore my feelings. Obsessions we all have. They hide the truth. Focus on work. Eat. Drink. Watch TV. Try not to think. You’ll realize how fucked up the world is. How angry you are. How far you’ve fallen. How lost you are. Best to just go to a bar. I think I’m content, maybe I’m just spent. Too tired and exhausted for no good reason. Too lazy to step out into the light, too scared to reach out to people. Too scared to be free. Too scared to be me. What would happen if I let it all out into the world. Said fuck it to convention, step away from this fucked up society. Work. No play. Blah blah blah. Eat good. Do the dishes. Pay the bills. Go to work. Enjoy your vacation. Check your email. Keep in touch. Play nice with others. I feel myself tense up because because I’m afraid to let it out. Don’t dance in front of others. They might look at you. They might think you’re a fool. Stand out, but not too much. Don’t blush. Hide your skin, hide your body. Don’t attract too much attention they might rob me. Be polite and stand up right. Watch your words and hide opinions. Keep quiet when you should speak. But don’t appear too meek. Anger is still down below, but it’s not worth the pain of yelling. There is no telling. You seem to have it together, but secretly may be under the weather. Hard to tell what’s real. How I really feel. I bore myself. So I drink. That’s why… I think. Now I’m taking a break to see what’s fake. Try to regain control over the fool. No drinking for me until I can find the right tool. Moderation. Ha! If only I could be so lucky. Just one drink, sure – sounds nice. But it never works for me, one becomes two and back to the daily drinking I go. One by one…it starts slow. Deep breath. Make it last. Enjoy your life without making it go by too fast.


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