Don’t hide

Surrounded by sadness and despair

Why do I have to care?

My heart is wide and open

I want to comfort in the moment

Too many people are sad

They are good people, not at all bad

Why have they been told they’re defective?

They are beautiful, it doesn’t take a detective

I want to scream and yell at those who label

When clearly we are human beings, more than able

The words are on repeat inside our heads

They beat us up, make some wish they were dead

It isn’t fair, do these people even care?

How can you call yourself a doctor

When what you’re doing isn’t proper

We need new answers to our ills

No more taking pills against our will

They’ll convince you it’s what you need

That’s how they plant the seed

But be weary of those who claim to want to help

They’ll take away your soul without a yelp

You must stand strong and look within

Forgot silly notions such as sin

Listen to your heart, it’s been there from the start

Turn inward and let your soul be your guide

That’s the only way to enjoy the ride

Don’t hide

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Be You

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful soul. There is nothing more beautiful or deserving of life’s gifts than you. Forget what society has told you. Maybe your parents or your doctor, or maybe even your spouse has told you that there is something wrong with you. You speak out of turn. You are rude. You don’t act like the other children. You don’t pay attention like you should. You’re a piece of shit. Forget them. They have their own issues to face. We all do. Don’t let their judgement destroy you. This is your life. Your story. You are an amazing being, unique and special. Like no other. Maybe there are things about you that other’s have deemed “less desirable” – that is because they are idiots. The things about you that are the most out of place, the most unique – those qualities are YOU. They should be celebrated. Anyone who disagrees is an asshole and should be ignored. Don’t let them influence you. Love you. Love yourself more than anything else in the world. There is no greater gift than self-love and you deserve it. Take a look in the mirror and look at the beauty that is you. For all your weirdness and eccentricities, you are a glorious piece of work. Don’t try to fit in. Stand out. Be weird. Be you.

Open The Heart

Originally posted on April 23 2012 during my manic phase. I was hospitalized on April 29th for a manic episode. For some reason this post didn’t get transferred from my old blog, so I’m reposting it now.

There is very little understanding of what a darkworker truly is and about the darkworker path to enlightenment which is why I want to explore it. When I say I am on a darkworker path, I don’t mean I am evil or a bad person. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe people are essentially good. I think we are all powerful beings, and that some of us just choose to tap into it and to live more fulfilling lives. I didn’t decide to “tap in” to this energy source to be evil or mean, I wanted to further myself and improve my life. I wanted to contribute to society and be happy.

I felt like I finally found something I could relate to with the law of attraction. I decided that this new-found philosophy and understanding was my new religion and I would find life fulfillment through that. I quickly learned that in order for that to work I would need to change what vibe or aura I was putting off. I would need to actually be happy in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. I had to set about working on myself and becoming happier so that I would be able to manifest the life I wanted and finally be truly happy. That’s doesn’t sound evil does it?

I guess where things get a little different is that I have always felt like I am the most important thing to me, and that I can help no one if I’m not at my best. This isn’t to say I ignore others or am a bad person. I value honestly and truth above all else and I pride myself on being upfront and speaking the truth to others. I help when I can and I try to live by example and show others how they can reach their true potential.

I have just been less concerned with others, with “society” and with “fitting in.” It’s been that way my whole life. I always felt sayings like “love your neighbor” and “be of service to others” were disingenuous bullshit statements people said to make themselves feel better. I still believe this to largely be the case – many people are just going through the motions and not really feeling the true intent of the words they are speaking. To me this is not honestly or truth and so I rejected it.

It took me a long time to realize that “LOVE” was what was missing with me. I tell my husband I love him 50 times a day, but it’s not really the same now, is it?

But since I’ve been opening myself up to receiving new energies and experiences I have been experiencing some incredible emotions and new feelings of love like never before.  All I knew is what I feel – which is an intense rush of emotions – love, gratitude, oneness – and then I am overcome with tears of gratitude and love. I have found myself balling hysterically and I am not sad. I am happy. I am feeling love. My heart is opening and the lightworker in me is coming out to play. I can’t wait to see what gifts she brings.

Moving Forward

who am I?

did the old me die?

this feels oddly familiar

but something is different

different from before

before I knew I could go mad

you can too

it’s in all of us

who knew?

I thought I knew

that is one idea I blew

now all I can do is stew

let life settle down

take a look around

eliminate the need to fixate

get ride of expectation

and excitation

extremes are gone

replaced by neutral emotions

just take the pill they say

swallow and forget what you may

hard to get out of the cycle

pills today, pills forever

I’m fine now. no longer under the weather

hard to find hope in a pill bottle

all I do is wallow

self-pity and anger

my mind is more like a stranger

the passion is gone

along with the curiosity and joy

replaced by irritation and agitation

HOW? WHY?

useless questions

what is done has already happened

the future has not happened

observe what is

don’t dwell on what was

The Little Voice

You have negative emotions. Sure, we all do. You have an internal dialog, and sometimes it can be a real asshole. Does it says things like “You aren’t good enough” or “You don’t deserve it.” Or does it says things like “That is not okay to do.” “Mom would never accept that behavior.” If you resonate with the first two statements you are probably a darkworker – you just don’t have enough thought energy – you should probably work on that 😉 If, however, you relate more to the last two statements you are probably a lightworker and you should get some balls.

Both paths can have negative emotions and feelings associated with them, but by making out their distinct calls and cries you can identify what thoughts and actions to feed and which to starve. As I’ve mentioned before, I think while we may lean more towards the light or the dark I think we’re all on one single path, we just have different perspectives. Don’t fight your nature. Don’t judge it. You will only cause more pain.

A darkworker who fights their nature will live a life less than thrilling. You’ll spend your life wanting all sorts of things, but beating yourself up because you don’t deserve them. Maybe you want the happy family, but deep down inside you don’t believe you are worthy of love. Maybe you want to spread your passion for helping animals, but you got into the wrong crowd and murdered someone and now who would trust YOU with an animal? If you let yourself believe you aren’t worthy of what you desire you will be a sad darkworker indeed. Society of course helps fuel this – darkworkers are more likely to be labeled “weird” or “wrong” – which only feeds those negative thoughts and lack of self-worth. Your mission should you choose to accept it is to do the internal work required to make yourself BELIEVE you are worth it and deserving. The hard part is to believe it, and that is where your thought energy can come into play. Do whatever you need to do to convince yourself that you are awesome. You are. If you don’t believe you could be the Next Oprah or you think that Jay-Z is somehow a “better” person than you – you aren’t here yet. When you are so self-delusional that you think Jesus was no better a man than you and that you could take over the world – well, that my darkworker friend is #winning 😉

A lightworker who fights their true nature will live life wondering who they were supposed to be, if only my mother would have let me! Think about the girl who always knew she was a dancer but grew up in a family of academics and was pressured into becoming a lawyer- she’ll spend her life in a career she hates because it’s “what she is supposed to do.” You know slavery is wrong and that something just isn’t right – but it would be illegal to help, and you shouldn’t do that – and so your silence and lack of spine kill your soul. Of course, I am just theorizing here because I can’t really know what a lightworker thinks, or can I? I can only tell you what I know in my heart and what I have seen be played out in the world. It is the lightworkers mission to realize that sometimes pain and change is necessary for growth. You don’t want to end the relationship – but you know you  would both be happier in the end. So why the fuck are you being so selfish and pretending to be “selfless.” It would hurt the other person or society if I was honest and said what I knew in my heart. Hurt them. Stop fooling yourself and get some balls – stand up for yourself and what you know matters, even if it hurts others or the ones you love. You only answer to one person. You.

This seems very dualist, and my apologies for that – as you know I believe we are much more alike than different. I just think it is helpful to understand your motivations and challenges – no doubt each person in unique and we all have our own path to walk. But – I hope this is a nice framework for you, especially if you weren’t sure which “team” you’ve been playing for. Don’t fight your nature – feed it. Just be sure you also work on opening your heart and experiencing love or you may end up on the fast track to misery.