Originally posted on April 23 2012 during my manic phase. I was hospitalized on April 29th for a manic episode. For some reason this post didn’t get transferred from my old blog, so I’m reposting it now.
I guess I always knew that I was attracted to the darker things in life – I’ve always enjoyed skulls and kept a Halloween skull doormat on my front porch for 16+ months. I have always been fascinated by crime and I’ve always understood that I was capable of doing bad things. In fact I acted out on plenty of those bad things – I’m not talking about breaking the law, I don’t even think that should count. I’m talking about truly hurtful things. Lying, stealing, intentionally inflicting pain upon others for fun. No one likes to fess up to these things, but I know there are more of you out there!
The funny thing is – I look normal. Some people would even call me nice. More often though they’d use words to describe me like: cold, tenacious, driven, smart. Those are all goods things, well maybe not the being cold part, but otherwise those seem to be good qualities. At least, that’s what I’d tell myself. I’d always been driven to achieve, no doubt because I grew up wanting my whole life. We never had enough. Not enough money, love, credit, appreciation, understanding or courage. In my house anger and passive aggressive bitterness won out. Or, you could always take the drug route. Many members of my family chose that route – it’s pretty easy to be apathetic that way. These days I call those people zombies.
I knew I wanted more. I wanted money, success, happiness, friends, recognition and status. I knew I was destined for something more. I remember telling myself in college that I was special – that I was destined for something great. I thought of Martin Luther and the Protestant Revolution, for some reason he stood out to me as a prime example of a MAN who changed the course of history. This I thought was what it was all about. See – I’m not a total asshole.I wanted to achieve greatness, influence history and make a difference. Not in a bad or destructive way.
I just got lost along the way. Or maybe I got found. You can decide for yourself. I watched the secret about 5 years ago and it changed my entire outlook on life. I realized I really did have control over my emotions and my destiny. I could change myself and my situation. I set out to do that. Along the way I realized I had plenty of things to work through in order for the law of attraction to work. I’d have to convince myself that I deserved all of the great things I wanted. I long believed I was white trash and undeserving of what I wanted. My family would call me selfish or tell me I was unrealistic. My friends couldn’t believe or imagine me having money or a successful career. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. And so I set out to do that.
My first job out of college was a test of my strength and determination. I felt like I conquered the world. I achieved power and control and I felt like I was contributing my passions and creativity to the world. But somehow it all blew up in my face. I got angry. My ambition drove me to insanity. I became impatient with my coworkers and began to say horrible hateful things not just to myself, but to others. I’d call people idiots, I’d get mad that they were not going along with what I saw as the right course. My plan. I needed my plan and my vision to be executed at all costs. I wanted people to be fired, I wanted the company restructured and I demanded more money. It wall all possible now that I knew the law of attraction. I made it happen, but when it wasn’t progressing enough or panning out exactly as I wanted I blew it up. I mean that figuratively of course. I yelled at my boss and made her cry on her birthday. I screamed through the halls. I made a scene. It was fun, but the anger took months to subside and took a serious toll on my marriage and my happiness. That’s no way to get ahead!
My next job I decided I would detach so as to not let my passion turn to anger and control or fear of others. I became apathetic. I chose a job I was not interested in and become even less interested as time wore on. Eventually I got laid off. That was when the magic started to happen.
That was in February 2013. Since then I’ve been exploring myself and my own internal world. I started dancing all the time. I mean silly dancing – around the house, in my underwear. I have been meditating and connecting with myself like never before.
It was in this time that the idea of shadow work reemerged in my life. (My first encounter with it was when exploring Carl Jung’s work several years ago, but I was intimidated by the work required) I quickly became intrigued with shadow work and started telling everyone I could about it. I told them to get in touch with their dark side. For some reason this seemed to really resonate with every single person I told. They were all touched and inspired by this idea. I, however, felt a strange comfort with what other’s perceived to be “ the shadow”. These feelings were very accessible to me. I always knew I could get pleasure from hurting others – I’d done it before. Not just as an adult, but as a child attacking my sister and even chasing her with a butcher knife when I was 14. I knew I was willing to put others aside in order to meet my agenda. I’d tell myself it wasn’t because I thought I was better, but simply that – if they wanted to, they could do the same thing and I would be fine with that. I believed I was special, but I thought anyone could be if they’d just try and stop consuming so much TV and Prozac.
It was a few weeks after exploring this concept that I started reading Steve Pavlina’s blog and stumbled on an article about integrating the light and dark. It was there that I saw his explanation of the “shadow” of a darkworker and I knew at the moment I was a darkworker. He said a darkworker’s shadow includes ” voices of love, caring, compassion, and the desire for authentic connection.” These were the emotions that I had been blocking for so long. These were the emotions I felt uncomfortable with. I tried to mask it with hugs and smiles, but deep down I didn’t resonate with love and compassion for others – certainly not above myself. I mean, there were times when I would go out of my way to help other people, in an almost unhealthy way. But – I always kept myself as number one and I would not help anyone at my expense. Ever.
I’m lucky enough to be experiencing a huge shift in my perspective. I’m getting in touch with my shadow – it just so happens my shadow is actually the light. It’s been an incredible experience. I can’t wait to share more with you.