It Takes Two

I want to share with you that – for the first time, since I started this blog, just 4 days ago, and less than 10 days after defining my mission – I drooled 😉 I went to post what I’m about to say from my heart and something stopped me. It’s 3AM in the morning here – friends and family will know that I usually go to bed at 10pm – 9:30pm even 😉 That was SERIOUSLY TWO WEEKS AGO! I haven’t stayed up this late in a long this – it was a very stimulating day, I challenge you to go back in history to the 26th of April 2013, that is the first blog post of the day It was a very stimulating day. Anyways,  this was a very emotional post – evidently because I was just balling and drooling like a fool. Silly me, I thought I healed years ago – sometimes these things take time 🙂

Do you really want to be the next Einstein or Lincoln? Geez – could you imagine having as much money as Oprah? SHIT – she buys people cars for fun son!!! Seriously though – what are you thinking when I say that? I’m really genuinely curious. I thin those things are very possible. Of course, look at what my path says. Perhaps I am the next ghandi or buddha or whatever. I’m shayna That’s a pretty cool name, right? Who gives shit what you think? 😉

I’m sassy and a little bit classy. I’m me. And that’s just fine. People love  to label me many things over the years – annoying, weird, strange, different, poor, thrashy – or did I just feel that way? , worthless, unloveable. Wait a minute- the more I type these words, the more I realize – nobody ever said these things to me at all. I just “felt them”. Did the world really hate me? Or did I just hate myself? did I act out because I didn’t think  I was worthy of affection.? Did I push people away, because really if they knew me, they’d hate me. My family does. Society does. They think I’m weird. they think I’m dark. In truth – they created me. They are me. But, I know- they are dark too. They just choose to ignore it. Sick fucks. What the hell is wrong with THEM? Stop the fucking judgement bullshit – a part of you loves them. You want to be happy too.

You will never find true happiness if you do not unite the light with the dark, the heart with the spine. You must have the courage to stand up for what you know is right, but you must also have an open heart so that you can be of service to others. Without an open heart you are a piece of shit/ I’m sorry to break it to you – you may not want to admit it. It’s hard, I know.

I didn’t want to face the truth. I knew I was sensitive, more so than most people. Perhaps you too are an ENFP, or maybe you’re intuitive, extra sensitive ( I have that book!) , maybe you’re an introvert? Antisocial. HA! You fool. WE are the people who fucking matter – do not let the drones fool you. We have feelings and we are not willing to ignore them. They tell us that – gay people are the exact same fucking people as you and me. That “thing” in your stomach – it’s actually a soul. You are killing what might have been. I’m not trying to guilt you. I’m not a saint! I have been abused. I laughed earlier about how I was sick and twisted – fatal attraction style on a guy I KNEW was in love with me when I was just 14. I INTENTIONALLY gave him blue balls for fun. I made out with him, and when he tried to tell people about it, I lied. I said it never happened. He eventually become completely obsessed. Watching me change through my window – naked breasts and all – with a friend no less. My boobs were much smaller then 😉 And besides – I totally caught them, and I caught him driving and spying on me at my boyfriend’s s house. He eventually tried to kill himself and ended up with some mental heath issues. He joined the army and was sent to Iraq, he lost several fingers. He married a woman he thought was carrying his child, only to find out that it might not be his. I could feel pretty bad about the whole thing. I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m a piece of shit. I ruined a life. But, in truth we have love for each other to this day. I want to grasp him. To feel the man he is now. I hope he finds me 🙂 We spoke about 3-4 years ago and offered forgiveness. Because – in the end, a relationship is TWO people – it’s a choice. It felt good. We needed it. It was hard to end – I had to be firm. It took courage. But, it was right – even if it led to all that pain. No doubt he had many changes along the way. Like me – he grew up poor. He was the first person to let me feel more comfortable in the dark. My first “freak” friend. I wouldn’t  even acknowledge him in public at first, we had class together but never talked in person – only online. Eventually it grew to phone, and then in person. And then – in life. He became my best friend. There were twisted elements, but I know now that it was love and I love him for it. I hope he loves me.

Am I Selfish?

Am I selfish? YES! AND YOU DAMN WELL BETTER BE! At least that is all I can assume if you are bothering to ask that question. Clearly you associate with the darkworker path – people have been calling you selfish. Maybe they even call you cold or worse…mean. Maybe you are the bully. Well, shit you were bullied. It’s part of life. It makes you tough. You don’t let others know you are hurt though – that would be weak. You aren’t weak. You ares strong. Strong people don’t show the world their wounds, we don’t tell them  know what we really think. The dark thoughts. That we don’t want to talk to the counselor. That we don’t relate the people at church. That we don’t fit in at school. Not that there is something wrong with us – it just doesn’t feel right. It can be very hard to be you in the world, it’s so much pressure to conform, to be a drone. Something is nagging you inside – this doesn’t feel right. I can’t be happy when I’m surrounded by so much greed, so much hate, so much death and destruction. Who can be happy when all there is misery? YOU CAN BE HAPPY! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! People will tell you that you are heartless. You should do more for them. You are selfish for not donating your time or your energy to the world. What they don’t know is that you are weak. YOU don’t want to the help the world, and why would the world want YOU to help when you really secretly hate them. They hate you too, don’t they? They tell you how odd you are. That you don’t fit it. That your views are strange and that you don’t think right. You aren’t good at certain things. WELL NO SHIT! Do you think Einstein was a very good ballet dancer.? How about Jesus, was he awesome at algebra? Maybe he was – he as a carpenter. But ,you get my point. DO WHAT YOU WANT. WHAT FEELS RIGHT. This can be very hard – it almost seems impossible I know. How can you do what you want when you are stuck in school? It sucks. I’ll never get through, I’m dumb. It isn’t working out for me. I should just drop out- this isn’t for me. I’ll never be successful. I’m just not very smart.

Ignore all of that critique. Trust me – you are smart enough to get through all the bullshit in the world if you can call upon your strength. If you can hear its rumble and it’s calls. Let yourself be guided by your heart.

Again, if you are not old enough to change your situation. PLEASE DO NOT DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE COMMIT SUICIDE. OR WORSE., KILL SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE AND YOU HATE THE WORLD. That my friend, is not the answer. Wait it out, play along. Ignore them. listen to you. Do not let their shame games and guilt trips eat away at your soul. Be strong inside, you must be. This is a temporary situation. Not one you put yourself in. You didn’t choose to be poor. You didn’t choose to be molested. You didn’t choose for your Mom to die at the age of 30, when you were just 4. You didn’t choose to be victimized. It just happened to you. So, what can you do? You are weak and weak minded, trash, undeserving .You rotten little shit. Why are you acting out? Act like the OTHER CHILDREN!!! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS MODEL. HE HAS HIS OWN MIND. CAN WE PLEEEASE PUT HIM ON DRUGS? THAT’D MAKE MY LIFE EASIER. These things happen TO YOU. Escape them when you can and however you can, seek good. Do good. But get ahead. It’s okay to be aggressive. For people to think you are rude. You’re a bitch. Why is she so angry? What is her problem? MY PROBLEM IS THAT I HAVE TO FIGHT AND SCREAM FOR A PIECE OF GUM AND YOU HAVE A BRAND NEW FUCKING LAPTOP! But you can’t say that, and you “SHOULDN’T” THINK THAT.  These are THEIR projections. These are THEIR shadows. What would they know anyway, they’ve never had to go without. Judge away, judgers. Its’ what THEY do. Don’t let them fool you. RISE above it. RISE FROM THE ASHES. BUT ACCEPT THE LIGHT IN YOU. Don’t fight your aggressive nature, your desire to better your situation. Your life. YOUR FAMILY. YOUR FRIENDS. You’d KILL for them, wouldn’t you? Not because you love them though – but because they are somehow a part of you, in some sick way. Your friends, they ARE YOURS. Right? Isn’t that how you say it? Let go – you don’t control life or people. Just be.

Love

It can be a pretty intense and liberating experience to open yourself up and allow the world to be. Things are moving at a rapid pace for me. Today, I went to Boulder to get my tires changed. I asked my husband what the nearest coffee shop was and he told me to go the one a few blocks away. As I walked by it though, I struggled a bit – is that where I want to? My head even tingled a bit and I thought – shit –  if I ignore the tingle and that is where I should have gone I’m going to be sorry! How do you decipher your intuition? I had competing thoughts – to go there or keep walking, so was the tingling telling me to stay or go? Clearly is was saying keep walking, and I’m glad I listened.

As I walked down the street I felt like I was in a dream. I came across a stunning historic home and really felt it, slowed down, looked at it and into it. Looked at the plants that had been growing there, the rose bushes intertwined and tangled on the most beautiful rusty iron fence. It was a stunning home. As I continued along the way everyone smiled at me and said hello and I was at the right spot at the right time and I didn’t hold back. As I walked by two men outside a rental truck I saw them eyeing the door to see if they were open yet. I could see the people inside the door – clearly. But, these men could not. I heard them “it says they open at 9.”

“There are people in there!” I say as I walk by. They smile and appreciate it and we share a brief exchange of laughter.

At the coffee shop I had no idea what I wanted and when I barista asked “what would you like?” I said “I don’t know.” And the guy next to me laughed and expressed that he related to the sentiment. I got my coffee and pastry and sat outside the coffee shop. If you’re local – It was Trident on Pearl Street 🙂 I sat there and typed away writing these blogs posts. This one just came to me and I typed as I stared out at the street, not looking down or editing my thoughts. I could tell people walking by were intrigued that I was typing away and yet, not looking or appearing to be thinking at all. In truth – there were no more or less typos than normal. Some people caught my eye more than once, and even animals seemed to be smiling at me. One girl locked eyes with me as she entered, and as she left. I could tell she was intrigued by me, and I know that she is further down her path than most, I hope I inspired her to realize some people are REALLY happy😉 

My husband called to say the car was ready, but I had to finish up this blog post. Once I was done I began walking back down the street and walked by an artist sitting a few doors down from where I had been. I could see his notebook and the art looked like something I had seen at a local restaurant and that had really resonated with me. He had his headphones on and looked to really be in the moment. Clearly a loner. Possibly a vagrant. Definitely not someone everyone would approach. As I walked by I said something about – keep it up, or cool – something like that and then I gave him a thumbs up – in case he couldn’t hear me because of the headphones.

I was already a door down at this point when he called to me and asked me to sit with him and join him for lunch. Hmm…my husband was expecting me, and this was unplanned. He also looked a bit mischievous, and maybe even a bit like lil’ wayne. What the hell – sure I said. I walked back to his direction and he made room for me to join him at his small table top. “Starting your weekend already?”

These types of questions actually make me laugh out loud now. “What is a weekend?” I ask. Silly drones and their notions of “weeks” and “weekends”. As I sit down it just feels very comfortable. He shares his notebook of art with me. They are organic shapes, like a sharpie drawing or something – original and eye-catching. I genuinely liked it. He had his various pens and sharpies out and I just felt his drawings and he told me about his art and I asked questions. “This says SHOT” “This says CUT” he shares with me – you can see it in the graffiti, and I feel the weight of his pen lines in the paper. I run my hand across them, looking into his eyes as he shares. Into his soul. In the U of CUT I see a soul –“ this one looks like a face” I say.

I can’t quite recall the order of our conversation but early on he looked at me and asked “is that your grandma’s ring?” Funny – that he would bring up the diamond ring, considering what I had been writing from soul moments earlier. I tell him it’s weird he would ask and then I allude to some of the irony of the diamond.

He begins to talk to me about his woman issues – or maybe just people issues. Everyone is so fake and when you just want to be real and connect it can be a lonely place. He tells me about the cutie pie he met at a party last night. He really liked her, but for some reason he was mean to her. Not his typical behavior towards woman, but it caused a friction between them that he was having a hard time putting words too. I’m sure it turned him on a bit – and it is fun to be mean sometimes 😉 I just listened. I told him it is hard to understand motivations sometimes.

We talked about travel, where we’re from. How that shapes you. He is from Montclair and told me he could always tell when he met someone from his hometown.

It was such a natural and real conversation, though it would have surely been strange for most people. We must have looked like quite the odd couple sitting there. At one point he even started smoking weed out of his pipe without saying a word, and it didn’t even interrupt the flow of the conversation or anything. Funny, even though I smoke weed I would normally feel intense anxiety about doing so in public, someone might see us! Those fears are gone now.

I told him several times to please visit my website, and I hope he does. He is on the right path, and I hope he knows that. Towards the end of our encounter he asked for lunch money and I could have sworn I had a dollar bill in my wallet, but I could not find it. He assured me that was fine. I decided I would just reach deep down into my purse and pull out what was there, and so I did. I dumped a big pile of change onto the table, and a single Hershey kiss also made it into the mix 🙂 I finally decided it was time to move on and I thanked him for sharing with me. I got up and I asked him if I could have a hug. I could tell that made him uncomfortable, and I thought maybe he didn’t feel like he “deserved” it and I wasn’t going to let this beautiful soul get away with that. He sat in his chair and put off that most unwarm vibe that come off during our contact. I stood next to me and then just leaned in and gave him the hug anyway. As it was happening his fake excuse emerged “you’ll give me a boner.” Darkworkers definitely have the better sense of humor 😉

As I continued down the street I again felt the dreamlike state, strangers smiling, birds chirping, dogs looking up and smiling. Then all of a sudden I see someone who looks familiar. Sure enough, it was the very many who had laid me off. Ha! He looked very relaxed and happy and we had a very warm exchange. It felt so nice. Following our brief encounter I continued further down the path.

A block or so down the road I see a little sign in a yard “FREE ALOE!” and I look to the left and on the picnic table in front of the house are several oversized aloe plants. A woman is on the phone with her back towards me and I walk up to grab one. There would have been times when this just felt “weird” to me to do – and so I would have just moved on. But, I boldly walked up and grabbed one and caught her eye to give her a warm thank you. “They aren’t mine she says” and we part ways. As I’m walking away a very warm and friendly woman walks out of the front entry to see who has taken her up on the offer. “Thank you! I just put these out 5 MINUTES AGO!” Really?! If I hadn’t gotten derailed along the way, if I hadn’t stopped for good conversation, I would not have been rewarded with this free gift.

On the drive home I came up to the a red light and to the right I see the big blinking sign ALTERNATE ROUTE ADVISED and lots of cones and traffic. Fuck it – I say. I’m going that way anyways.

Broken Bones. Mended Souls.

Broken bones and mended souls. Why do we break bones? I don’t know – but there seems to be something to it. The mind/body connection is real – or are you completely deluded?

I always said I had never broken a bone – but I was pensive, well…The truth is I did break a bone, I was just too small to remember it. I was a baby, it was a myth and a tale, not something I had a true memory of. There were photos of me with my cast, behind the steering wheel of my dad’s van, cast and all – huge smile on my face. I didn’t give a shit my leg was broken. The cast remained in the hall closet all my life, we would clean out the closet once every 4 years and there it was, this tiny cast. A reminder of my strength. It also came with its fair share of guilt. You see – no one ever could figure out how I broke my leg, or at least it was always a tale shrouded in mystery. Of course, child services got involved and ultimately tried to take away all of us children. What a heavy burden for  baby to bear, I almost separated our family. I never knew what really happened, and I was ok with that. Accidents happen.

So, the Friday before New Years Eve 2012/2013 I was walking into the laundry and tripped over our silly “door” – basically, picture catching your foot on a baby gate and falling forward. I put my arm out to catch my fall, and in the moment everything seemed slow. I immediately was worried I broke my wrist, but when I moved it –phew, it was fine. I was relieved. My arm did hurt a bit though. I went about my day and into the evening dealing with the pain in the arm. It didn’t hurt that bad! Throughout the night it felt fine in certain positions, but then I would move a certain way and suddenly yelp out in pain. It almost felt like the muscles around my elbow were clenching and squeezing in a muscle spasm – it hurt, but I expected it would! I actually felt an incredible sense of gratitude that I had not hurt my head – what if my head hit the concrete? Things could have been really bad!

So, I went through the weekend with the pain and the next week I realized I could not shift gears in my car – I wouldn’t be able to drive. Shit. My husband saw this as a sign something was seriously wrong, so I made an appointment. Thursday – almost an entire week after the fall I went to my regular doctor for x-rays. I left thinking everything was fine, but on Friday morning she called to say they had found a fracture on my radial head. D’oh! I wouldn’t be able to drive for over 2 months. I had to carpool with my husband, which made for long days – I was at work for almost 3 additional hours a day. It was nice to carpool and connect with my husband, but the loss of freedom was annoying.

Let me just clarify and say – it was my right elbow that was broken, my good arm! I couldn’t pull up my pants or wipe my ass, let alone pick up a box of envelopes.

It’s no secret that when you are forced to do things differently you get smarter. Want to build up your brain power? Start brushing your teeth with your “bad” arm. Change it up. Breaking a bone forces you to change it up. Try mastering putting on mascara with your left hand! Ha! Life becomes a challenge.

I was set to go to the Doctor for final x-rays on Friday, February 8^th, and I was hoping to be able to be released to drive! Yeah, no more long hours at the office. Thursday, February 7^th I was laid off. I was elated.

In the grand scheme of things, maybe the broken bone helped me access new parts of brain, it challenged me to do things differently. It was uncomfortable, but ultimately empowering. I can do so much with my left hand now!

Back to the broken leg when I was a baby. I was telling a friend the story less than weeks ago and she said – maybe one of your siblings did it on accident? Hmmm…I never considered it, and as I mentioned – it really doesn’t matter how it happened. Still, I was thinking of the broken leg and what had caused it.

Just last weekend, my dad called the same day I decided to start answering my phone.  I should probably mention that I don’t talk to my dad very often, we go months at a time with no communication. It was a beautiful conversation filled with laughter and love and intimacy. What struck me though, all on his own – unprovoked – he brought up my broken leg when I was a baby, and the cast. He was upset it had been thrown away during my parents divorce and I could tell he was very emotional about it. It was a symbol of my strength and he loved it. It symbolized the strength of the family during that difficult period, and now it was gone. I reassured him that it was okay it was gone, I remembered it in my mind and I loved it. It was as if he needed to know it meant as much to me as it did to him. In return he gave me new details and helped build that story. You see – he saw it as a story of strength. I was less than 2 when my leg broke and I was in a cast. I learned to walk with the cast on – I had this handicap, but I pushed through and walked at a normal rate – same as non-casted children 😉 I could hear the pride in my dad’s voice.

Side note – as I’m sitting outside a coffee shop writing this, everyone who walks by makes eye contact with me and says hello. A man began to approach the area I’m sitting, and I recognized him from my internship at the coveted company I mentioned! Out of everyone there – he was one of the most respected. I was so in awe of him, his influence and his presence. He was so intimidating, but everyone wanted a piece of him. I never could muster the courage to say anything to him, let alone share myself or my thoughts in his presence. As his approached me just now a gentleness swept over his face and we made eye contact, “Hello.” he said. Not because he knew me from my internship, but because he knows me. Is it a coincidence that his man grew up in Warsaw? Maybe he is one of us and he has embraced the light 🙂

There is Nothing Wrong With You

Sitting here thinking to myself and I just had to let to flow – it’s almost as if there is one giant conspiracy to keep us oppressed, at least it feels that way when you feel oppressed 🙂 It is the single mission that we all share to stop oppressing one and other. Once we have completed our mission – earth becomes heaven. There is no war or hatred, only love.

Our mission should we choose to accept it – is to accept us.

Lightworkers are people guided by the light – often by “the church” or the main order. Really – the oppressive powers that be. More likely to be: white, into organized religion, wealthy, privileged. These are the conformists in society. They end up with nagging questions – more in the vein of “should I?” because they have been bred (nature or nuture?!) to believe that they should not harm others. They ignore their dark shadows. They buy their diamonds as a show of “love” and “eternal love” no doubt. They know deep down inside, in their shadows that there are people being brutalized and murdered in order to obtain those diamonds. A little girl screamed and cried in the night, clinging to her wounds and looking to the sky for answers, wondering why her mother was raped and murdered in front of her. She can’t shake the images and she feels trapped and helpless. She can’t even fathom how anyone could be enjoying their beautiful diamond glistening in the light and shimmering in the sun. There it sits atop a metal band, on a pale hand. Every time its owner looks at it she smiles and thinks of her wonderful husband and their white picket fence. Her adoring friends and coworkers look at it in adoration and give her praise for her “love” – surely her husband must love her, look at the size of THAT diamond. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN EXPENSIVE! And indeed it was very expensive. It cost many lives and many lost souls, but isn’t it so pretty and shiny?

Of course this is all very ironic as I sit here typing, looking down at my left hand and my glowing white skin. There it is. To the right of the pinky, my very own diamond.

You see – lightworkers know all along that there is dark in everything, but they choose to ignore it. To put in in the shadows. They don’t want to admit that they’d secretly love to torture their neighbor or slap their mom in the face. That is something that you simply shouldn’t do. When they catch a glimpse of the shadow, or are approached with shadow work they become defensive, uncomfortable, scared even. They hate to listen to lyrics about violence or drugs – how can people be so cruel they ask. When, in fact those very feelings they label as “evil”…that “cruelty” they complain of, it lives inside them. They are their own worst nightmares. Their fears. At extremes this can lead to complete disassociation with the shadow – those people who “snap” and don’t recall axing their family in the middle of the night. Couldn’t have been me. I don’t have anger problems – that’s “those” people.

Meanwhile darkworkers have been lurking in the shadows all along. We’re much more likely to be poor, to struggle. We’re also more likely to be a minority – probably more likely to be black or brown, although I am white as snow 😉 This day in age, that is a minority and trust me – people made fun of me for it a lot, they still do. Grown adults make fun of the color of my skin. But they are “nice” people 😉 We are much more likely to have seen the struggles of everyday life and the darkness that comes with it. Abuse, anger. Self-directed hate. Disillusionment. Confusion. Drug Abuse. We see the only way out of the darkness and into light as power. There must be a way out of this dark place, in order to get what those other people have I must obtain what appears to be the source of their power – money, attractiveness, smiles and jokes. So we do what we can do make those things happen. We’re willing to lie and be mean if it’s funny, people love humor! We’re willing to go the extra mile to look good and we think that people who don’t are lazy fucktards. No one wants an ugly person, HELLO! We work hard for the money, even if it means crushing a few people along the way. We don’t mind breaking the rules. We’ll do illegal and immoral things to obtain money and worse – we’ll do them to obtain the feeling of power. We’ll opening assault you. We’ll abuse you. We will rape you. We’ll even kill you for that feeling of power. Lurking deep within the shadows though, there is a light. It feels very foreign, uncomfortable and fake. How can those phony ass white/rich/good people walk around with smiles on their face while my family is struggling to just get by. They don’t give a shit, and they are happy. They have no idea what it’s like over here…struggling in the shadows. But, realize that within you – there is a person who is happy and ignorant too 😉 You can find happiness by accepting that the darkness around you, has been created by you and the way out of it – is not with more it. It’s by less of it. It’s by love – by following your heart, not your desire for “happiness”. If you are not able to escape your dark situation because you are under the age of 18, I am so terribly sorry. Please, play along. Do what you have to do to get by. Know that you are amazing and if people want to pick on you and try and get you to “conform” – when that is the last thing that feels right – tell them to fuck off. But, don’t stay it. Play along for now, the real reward is when you become one of them, only you are so much more beautiful and better than they can even fathom, because you have seen the darkness. You have seen the horror. You have seen the struggle. You have been abused. You have abused. Think of all the greats – they came from struggle, they saw the dark and they embraced the light.