Something More

I can’t simply dismiss what happened to me last year as an illness. Some sort of chemical imbalance. Insanity. Nothing more. Don’t look into it. You were crazy. I don’t believe it.

Something beautiful happened to me. I felt an incredible, overwhelming sense of love. Love for all. A sense of purpose and true bliss. Life was perfect. In that moment. I accepted each moment as it came, with no attachment or expectation. I understood what it was to be a spiritual being. Filled with light and love. Pure of intention and beaming. Strangers on the street approached me, they were drawn to my light. I radiated joy and love.

Of course, it got twisted along the way and I became overwhelmed with grief and anguish. All of the darkness I felt responsible for. Hate and destruction I had unleashed in my past lives. I felt as though I was a vessel, channeling all of the emotions of the world, past and present. I would cry to the point of drooling. Feeling the collective energy and sadness of all the earth’s creatures. It paralyzed me. I dropped to me knees and wailed.

I don’t consider that experience to be bad, it was true. It was real. There is a lot of sadness in this world. I became the ultimate empath, feeling the energies of everything around me. I think it was a blessing. A beautiful, sick blessing. I would never wish it away. Whatever hurt I felt, it was worth it to experience all of the light and love I felt. I hope I feel it again one day. 

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Be You

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful soul. There is nothing more beautiful or deserving of life’s gifts than you. Forget what society has told you. Maybe your parents or your doctor, or maybe even your spouse has told you that there is something wrong with you. You speak out of turn. You are rude. You don’t act like the other children. You don’t pay attention like you should. You’re a piece of shit. Forget them. They have their own issues to face. We all do. Don’t let their judgement destroy you. This is your life. Your story. You are an amazing being, unique and special. Like no other. Maybe there are things about you that other’s have deemed “less desirable” – that is because they are idiots. The things about you that are the most out of place, the most unique – those qualities are YOU. They should be celebrated. Anyone who disagrees is an asshole and should be ignored. Don’t let them influence you. Love you. Love yourself more than anything else in the world. There is no greater gift than self-love and you deserve it. Take a look in the mirror and look at the beauty that is you. For all your weirdness and eccentricities, you are a glorious piece of work. Don’t try to fit in. Stand out. Be weird. Be you.

Open The Heart

Originally posted on April 23 2012 during my manic phase. I was hospitalized on April 29th for a manic episode. For some reason this post didn’t get transferred from my old blog, so I’m reposting it now.

There is very little understanding of what a darkworker truly is and about the darkworker path to enlightenment which is why I want to explore it. When I say I am on a darkworker path, I don’t mean I am evil or a bad person. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe people are essentially good. I think we are all powerful beings, and that some of us just choose to tap into it and to live more fulfilling lives. I didn’t decide to “tap in” to this energy source to be evil or mean, I wanted to further myself and improve my life. I wanted to contribute to society and be happy.

I felt like I finally found something I could relate to with the law of attraction. I decided that this new-found philosophy and understanding was my new religion and I would find life fulfillment through that. I quickly learned that in order for that to work I would need to change what vibe or aura I was putting off. I would need to actually be happy in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. I had to set about working on myself and becoming happier so that I would be able to manifest the life I wanted and finally be truly happy. That’s doesn’t sound evil does it?

I guess where things get a little different is that I have always felt like I am the most important thing to me, and that I can help no one if I’m not at my best. This isn’t to say I ignore others or am a bad person. I value honestly and truth above all else and I pride myself on being upfront and speaking the truth to others. I help when I can and I try to live by example and show others how they can reach their true potential.

I have just been less concerned with others, with “society” and with “fitting in.” It’s been that way my whole life. I always felt sayings like “love your neighbor” and “be of service to others” were disingenuous bullshit statements people said to make themselves feel better. I still believe this to largely be the case – many people are just going through the motions and not really feeling the true intent of the words they are speaking. To me this is not honestly or truth and so I rejected it.

It took me a long time to realize that “LOVE” was what was missing with me. I tell my husband I love him 50 times a day, but it’s not really the same now, is it?

But since I’ve been opening myself up to receiving new energies and experiences I have been experiencing some incredible emotions and new feelings of love like never before.  All I knew is what I feel – which is an intense rush of emotions – love, gratitude, oneness – and then I am overcome with tears of gratitude and love. I have found myself balling hysterically and I am not sad. I am happy. I am feeling love. My heart is opening and the lightworker in me is coming out to play. I can’t wait to see what gifts she brings.

Discovering Darkness

Originally posted on April 23 2012 during my manic phase. I was hospitalized on April 29th for a manic episode. For some reason this post didn’t get transferred from my old blog, so I’m reposting it now.

I guess I always knew that I was attracted to the darker things in life – I’ve always enjoyed skulls and kept a Halloween skull doormat on my front porch for 16+ months. I have always been fascinated by crime and I’ve always understood that I was capable of doing bad things. In fact I acted out on plenty of those bad things – I’m not talking about breaking the law, I don’t even think that should count. I’m talking about truly hurtful things. Lying, stealing, intentionally inflicting pain upon others for fun. No one likes to fess up to these things, but I know there are more of you out there!

The funny thing is  – I look normal. Some people would even call me nice. More often though they’d use words to describe me  like: cold, tenacious, driven, smart. Those are all goods things, well maybe not the being cold part, but otherwise those seem to be good qualities. At least, that’s what I’d tell myself. I’d always been driven to achieve, no doubt because I grew up wanting my whole life. We never had enough. Not enough money, love, credit, appreciation, understanding or courage. In my house anger and passive aggressive bitterness won out. Or, you could always take the drug route. Many members of my family chose that route – it’s pretty easy to be apathetic that way. These days I call those people zombies.

I knew I wanted more. I wanted money, success, happiness, friends, recognition and status. I knew I was destined for something more. I remember telling myself in college that I was special – that I was destined for something great. I thought of Martin Luther and the Protestant Revolution, for some reason he stood out to me as a prime example of a MAN who changed the course of history. This I thought was what it was all about. See – I’m not a total asshole.I wanted to achieve greatness, influence history and make a difference. Not in a bad or destructive way.

I just got lost along the way. Or maybe I got found. You can decide for yourself. I watched the secret about 5 years ago and it changed my entire outlook on life. I realized I really did have control over my emotions and my destiny. I could change myself and my situation. I set out to do that. Along the way I realized I had plenty of things to work through in order for the law of attraction to work. I’d have to convince myself that I deserved all of the great things I wanted. I long believed I was white trash and undeserving of what I wanted. My family would call me selfish or tell me I was unrealistic. My friends couldn’t believe or imagine me having money or a successful career. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. And so I set out to do that.

My first job out of college was a test of my strength and determination. I felt like I conquered the world. I achieved power and control and I felt like I was contributing my passions and creativity to the world. But somehow it all blew up in my face. I got angry. My ambition drove me to insanity. I became impatient with my coworkers and began to say horrible hateful things not just to myself, but to others. I’d call people idiots, I’d get mad that they were not going along with what I saw as the right course. My plan. I needed my plan and my vision to be executed at all costs. I wanted people to be fired, I wanted the company restructured and I demanded more money. It wall all possible now that I knew the law of attraction. I made it happen, but when it wasn’t progressing enough or panning out exactly as  I wanted I blew it up. I mean that figuratively of course. I yelled at my boss and made her cry on her birthday. I screamed through the halls. I made a scene. It was fun, but the anger took months to subside and took a serious toll on my marriage and my happiness. That’s no way to get ahead!

My next job I decided I would detach so as to not let my passion turn to anger and control or fear of others. I became apathetic. I chose a job I was not interested in and become even less interested as time wore on. Eventually I got laid off. That was when the magic started to happen.

That was in February 2013. Since then I’ve been exploring myself and my own internal world. I  started dancing all the time. I mean silly dancing – around the house, in my underwear. I have been meditating and connecting with myself like never before.

It was in this time that the idea of shadow work reemerged in my life. (My first encounter with it was when exploring Carl Jung’s work several years ago, but I was intimidated by the work required) I quickly became intrigued with shadow work and started telling everyone I could about it. I told them to get in touch with their dark side. For some reason this seemed to really resonate with every single person I told. They were all touched and inspired by this idea. I, however, felt a strange comfort with what other’s perceived to be “ the shadow”. These feelings were very accessible to me.  I always knew I could get pleasure from hurting others – I’d done it before. Not just as an adult, but as a child attacking my sister and even chasing her with a butcher knife when I was 14. I knew I was willing to put others aside in order to meet my agenda. I’d tell myself it wasn’t because I thought I was better, but simply that – if they wanted to, they could do the same thing and I would be fine with that. I believed I was special, but I thought anyone could be if they’d just try and stop consuming so much TV and Prozac.

It was a few weeks after exploring this concept that I started reading Steve Pavlina’s blog and stumbled on an article about integrating the light and dark. It was there that I saw his explanation of the “shadow”  of a darkworker and I knew at the moment I was a darkworker. He said a darkworker’s shadow includes ” voices of love, caring, compassion, and the desire for authentic connection.” These were the emotions that I had been blocking for so long. These were the emotions I felt uncomfortable with. I tried to mask it with hugs and smiles, but deep down I didn’t resonate with love and compassion for others – certainly not above myself. I mean, there were times when I would go out of my way to help other people, in an almost unhealthy way. But – I always kept myself as number one and I would not help anyone at my expense. Ever.

I’m lucky enough to be experiencing a huge shift in my perspective. I’m getting in touch with my shadow – it just so happens my shadow is actually the light. It’s been an incredible experience. I can’t wait to share more with you.

Open the Heart

There is very little understanding of what a darkworker truly is and about the darkworker path to enlightenment which is why I want to explore it. When I say I am on a darkworker path, I don’t mean I am evil or a bad person. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe people are essentially good. I think we are all powerful beings, and that some of us just choose to tap into it and to live more fulfilling lives. I didn’t decide to “tap in” to this energy source to be evil or mean, I wanted to further myself and improve my life. I wanted to contribute to society and be happy.

I felt like I finally found something I could relate to with the law of attraction. I decided that this new-found philosophy and understanding was my new religion and I would find life fulfillment through that. I quickly learned that in order for that to work I would need to change what vibe or aura I was putting off. I would need to actually be happy in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. I had to set about working on myself and becoming happier so that I would be able to manifest the life I wanted and finally be truly happy. That’s doesn’t sound evil does it?

I guess where things get a little different is that I have always felt like I am the most important thing to me, and that I can help no one if I’m not at my best. This isn’t to say I ignore others or am a bad person. I value honestly and truth above all else and I pride myself on being upfront and speaking the truth to others. I help when I can and I try to live by example and show others how they can reach their true potential.

I have just been less concerned with others, with “society” and with “fitting in.” It’s been that way my whole life. I always felt sayings like “love your neighbor” and “be of service to others” were disingenuous bullshit statements people said to make themselves feel better. I still believe this to largely be the case – many people are just going through the motions and not really feeling the true intent of the words they are speaking. To me this is not honestly or truth and so I rejected it.

It took me a long time to realize that “LOVE” was what was missing with me. I tell my husband I love him 50 times a day, but it’s not really the same now, is it?

But since I’ve been opening myself up to receiving new energies and experiences I have been experiencing some incredible emotions and new feelings of love like never before. All I knew is what I feel – which is an intense rush of emotions – love, gratitude, oneness – and then I am overcome with tears of gratitude and love. I have found myself balling hysterically and I am not sad. I am happy. I am feeling love. My heart is opening and the lightworker in me is coming out to play. I can’t wait to see what gifts she brings.

Give a Damn

Mania feels amazing and chaotic. I never bothered to give mania a label – I just considered it to be my second gear. overdrive. I can accomplish more than most people in half the time, if I want to. More often though, I procrastinate and do a half-assed job. When I care, when I’m interested, that’s when mania comes in. It is my muse, my inspiration, my creative energy. I can find that energy by focusing intensely on a topic or project, and then I can’t stop at will. Often times it lasts a day or so. My “episode” lasted nearly a month though. Now that is intense! I didn’t sleep or eat for nearly a week and I couldn’t get outside of my head, of my thoughts.

Mania happened when I was blogging. I couldn’t control myself, I’d write four blog posts a day, and I loved it. It just kept flowing, it was unstoppable. I have done the same thing at work, with creative insights and amazing energy behind them. I was called tenacious, driven, ambitious…and mean. I would fight for my vision with such conviction that people feared saying no to me. Passion fuels the world, and when you have so much passion that you can’t even hear “no” people can get intimidated. Think about it though – all great leaders had that kind of vision and passion. It seems necessary when you have brilliant ideas and big agendas. You have to think big and you have to be willing to fight for it. I have long fought for creative ideas in the workplace, but for the first time I am willing to fight for me. For my heart. For my words.

I think it is so important to have free speech and open discussion around things that matter. Ironically, politics and religion are far too often not discussed. People are actually told NOT to talk about the very issues that matter. It would be rude they say. Don’t offend anyone. Be polite.

Well, I say – stop being polite. Discuss the shit that matters because if we don’t, we will stay stagnant. No new ideas. No questioning authority. No rocking the boat. Fuck that.

We need to discuss important issues like religion, god, politics, mental health. The very things people fear discussing, those are the issues I want to discuss. It matters. It matters an awful lot. If we don’t talk about what is in our heart, we are doing a disservice to humanity and to human history. People died for the right to speak freely. So do it! Offend someone today. Start an impolite conversation. Speak you mind and your heart. Say what matters. Go! Do!