Reject

I had the most intense experience last night. I was laying in the bath when suddenly it consumed me. Rejection. My entire life has been about my avoidance of it and my feelings surrounding it. Memories came flooding in as the tears began flooding out. It felt like I was birthing the emotions. My mouth gaped as sorrow emerged from my throat and escaped past my lips. It was the type of sadness that you feel to your bones. So much lost hope and lost opportunities. My life spent worrying about being accepted by others. To the point that I’ve hidden myself away. Exposing little pieces here and there to those that I thought might approve. Weird. Strange. Annoying. All the labels my peers had given to me growing up. I wasn’t allowed to come to the party. Photos of me standing by myself in a sea of other children. Distant. Aloof. Afraid to raise my hand in class. Don’t ask questions. You might look stupid. Don’t speak. You might be wrong. They will laugh at you. Pick at your skin so you have a reason to hide your body. That way you have an excuse not to expose yourself. Truly. Literally. Hiding my body beneath pants and cardigans. Hiding myself in every sense.

Every bad memory I could think of and all of my life’s decisions were born from this pitiful womb. Distancing myself from others. Marrying the first guy that seemed to care about me. Staying near my hometown for the first thirty years of my life.

So many hurt feelings and so much anxiety. Shy. Cold. I’m an introvert. That’s the label I’ve chosen to take on, but the truth is I have been rejected so much that I don’t trust people. I reject them so they can’t reject me. I’ve settled repeatedly in life because I don’t want to risk failure. I seldom try new things because I can’t stand to look foolish or not be good at something. What would people think? They’ll laugh at me. Just like my teacher and the students made a mockery out of me in art class when I gave my teacher the $20 art fee in cash…cash that smelled like cigarettes because my parents smoked. My teacher, a grown woman, announced to everyone that the $20 bill stunk of smoke. She had other students smell it and everyone talked about how disgusting it was. The smell of my home. How lovely. Thank you 6th grade art teacher whose name I can’t even remember and yet your taunts continue to haunt.

The first boy I had feelings for rejected me. I brought him gifts and tried to flirt with him. He told the teacher I was bullying him. I was reprimanded. My actions were taken as aggression. Another theme in my life. As is my fear of getting in trouble. Of someone not approving of my actions. It’s no wonder I ran through the halls of the mental hospital naked. Freedom for me was finally exposing myself and not giving a fuck what anyone thought. Other’s judgement no longer weighed me down. God how I wish I could be free again.

Tonight is a full moon and I’ve been reading a lot about ceremony and ritual. I’ve also bee reading my tarot cards every day for the past few months. I’m trying to nurture that part of me in a more structured way. So, tonight with the full moon I am going to put more intention around letting go of the need for approval…also known as my fear of rejection. Even as I type that I still have a part of me that is in denial. It’s funny because I have celebrated my weirdness and haven’t tried to hide it in it’s essence, and yet I have been hiding. Not being fully present and not letting people see me in my entirety. Even the muted shades of what I am have made people uncomfortable. How could anyone accept me in my full vibrancy? That’s where I need to be. I need to be more. More me. More willing to fail. More willing to look stupid and put myself out there. Risk it. Look rejection in the face and move on from it. Feel it and heal it. That’s the next phase for me. I know my life will be completely different if I can embrace this and heal from it. It’s time.

 

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Be You

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful soul. There is nothing more beautiful or deserving of life’s gifts than you. Forget what society has told you. Maybe your parents or your doctor, or maybe even your spouse has told you that there is something wrong with you. You speak out of turn. You are rude. You don’t act like the other children. You don’t pay attention like you should. You’re a piece of shit. Forget them. They have their own issues to face. We all do. Don’t let their judgement destroy you. This is your life. Your story. You are an amazing being, unique and special. Like no other. Maybe there are things about you that other’s have deemed “less desirable” – that is because they are idiots. The things about you that are the most out of place, the most unique – those qualities are YOU. They should be celebrated. Anyone who disagrees is an asshole and should be ignored. Don’t let them influence you. Love you. Love yourself more than anything else in the world. There is no greater gift than self-love and you deserve it. Take a look in the mirror and look at the beauty that is you. For all your weirdness and eccentricities, you are a glorious piece of work. Don’t try to fit in. Stand out. Be weird. Be you.

Open The Heart

Originally posted on April 23 2012 during my manic phase. I was hospitalized on April 29th for a manic episode. For some reason this post didn’t get transferred from my old blog, so I’m reposting it now.

There is very little understanding of what a darkworker truly is and about the darkworker path to enlightenment which is why I want to explore it. When I say I am on a darkworker path, I don’t mean I am evil or a bad person. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe people are essentially good. I think we are all powerful beings, and that some of us just choose to tap into it and to live more fulfilling lives. I didn’t decide to “tap in” to this energy source to be evil or mean, I wanted to further myself and improve my life. I wanted to contribute to society and be happy.

I felt like I finally found something I could relate to with the law of attraction. I decided that this new-found philosophy and understanding was my new religion and I would find life fulfillment through that. I quickly learned that in order for that to work I would need to change what vibe or aura I was putting off. I would need to actually be happy in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. I had to set about working on myself and becoming happier so that I would be able to manifest the life I wanted and finally be truly happy. That’s doesn’t sound evil does it?

I guess where things get a little different is that I have always felt like I am the most important thing to me, and that I can help no one if I’m not at my best. This isn’t to say I ignore others or am a bad person. I value honestly and truth above all else and I pride myself on being upfront and speaking the truth to others. I help when I can and I try to live by example and show others how they can reach their true potential.

I have just been less concerned with others, with “society” and with “fitting in.” It’s been that way my whole life. I always felt sayings like “love your neighbor” and “be of service to others” were disingenuous bullshit statements people said to make themselves feel better. I still believe this to largely be the case – many people are just going through the motions and not really feeling the true intent of the words they are speaking. To me this is not honestly or truth and so I rejected it.

It took me a long time to realize that “LOVE” was what was missing with me. I tell my husband I love him 50 times a day, but it’s not really the same now, is it?

But since I’ve been opening myself up to receiving new energies and experiences I have been experiencing some incredible emotions and new feelings of love like never before.  All I knew is what I feel – which is an intense rush of emotions – love, gratitude, oneness – and then I am overcome with tears of gratitude and love. I have found myself balling hysterically and I am not sad. I am happy. I am feeling love. My heart is opening and the lightworker in me is coming out to play. I can’t wait to see what gifts she brings.

Open the Heart

There is very little understanding of what a darkworker truly is and about the darkworker path to enlightenment which is why I want to explore it. When I say I am on a darkworker path, I don’t mean I am evil or a bad person. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe people are essentially good. I think we are all powerful beings, and that some of us just choose to tap into it and to live more fulfilling lives. I didn’t decide to “tap in” to this energy source to be evil or mean, I wanted to further myself and improve my life. I wanted to contribute to society and be happy.

I felt like I finally found something I could relate to with the law of attraction. I decided that this new-found philosophy and understanding was my new religion and I would find life fulfillment through that. I quickly learned that in order for that to work I would need to change what vibe or aura I was putting off. I would need to actually be happy in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. I had to set about working on myself and becoming happier so that I would be able to manifest the life I wanted and finally be truly happy. That’s doesn’t sound evil does it?

I guess where things get a little different is that I have always felt like I am the most important thing to me, and that I can help no one if I’m not at my best. This isn’t to say I ignore others or am a bad person. I value honestly and truth above all else and I pride myself on being upfront and speaking the truth to others. I help when I can and I try to live by example and show others how they can reach their true potential.

I have just been less concerned with others, with “society” and with “fitting in.” It’s been that way my whole life. I always felt sayings like “love your neighbor” and “be of service to others” were disingenuous bullshit statements people said to make themselves feel better. I still believe this to largely be the case – many people are just going through the motions and not really feeling the true intent of the words they are speaking. To me this is not honestly or truth and so I rejected it.

It took me a long time to realize that “LOVE” was what was missing with me. I tell my husband I love him 50 times a day, but it’s not really the same now, is it?

But since I’ve been opening myself up to receiving new energies and experiences I have been experiencing some incredible emotions and new feelings of love like never before. All I knew is what I feel – which is an intense rush of emotions – love, gratitude, oneness – and then I am overcome with tears of gratitude and love. I have found myself balling hysterically and I am not sad. I am happy. I am feeling love. My heart is opening and the lightworker in me is coming out to play. I can’t wait to see what gifts she brings.