I want to share with you that – for the first time, since I started this blog, just 4 days ago, and less than 10 days after defining my mission – I drooled 😉 I went to post what I’m about to say from my heart and something stopped me. It’s 3AM in the morning here – friends and family will know that I usually go to bed at 10pm – 9:30pm even 😉 That was SERIOUSLY TWO WEEKS AGO! I haven’t stayed up this late in a long this – it was a very stimulating day, I challenge you to go back in history to the 26th of April 2013, that is the first blog post of the day It was a very stimulating day. Anyways, this was a very emotional post – evidently because I was just balling and drooling like a fool. Silly me, I thought I healed years ago – sometimes these things take time 🙂
Do you really want to be the next Einstein or Lincoln? Geez – could you imagine having as much money as Oprah? SHIT – she buys people cars for fun son!!! Seriously though – what are you thinking when I say that? I’m really genuinely curious. I thin those things are very possible. Of course, look at what my path says. Perhaps I am the next ghandi or buddha or whatever. I’m shayna That’s a pretty cool name, right? Who gives shit what you think? 😉
I’m sassy and a little bit classy. I’m me. And that’s just fine. People love to label me many things over the years – annoying, weird, strange, different, poor, thrashy – or did I just feel that way? , worthless, unloveable. Wait a minute- the more I type these words, the more I realize – nobody ever said these things to me at all. I just “felt them”. Did the world really hate me? Or did I just hate myself? did I act out because I didn’t think I was worthy of affection.? Did I push people away, because really if they knew me, they’d hate me. My family does. Society does. They think I’m weird. they think I’m dark. In truth – they created me. They are me. But, I know- they are dark too. They just choose to ignore it. Sick fucks. What the hell is wrong with THEM? Stop the fucking judgement bullshit – a part of you loves them. You want to be happy too.
You will never find true happiness if you do not unite the light with the dark, the heart with the spine. You must have the courage to stand up for what you know is right, but you must also have an open heart so that you can be of service to others. Without an open heart you are a piece of shit/ I’m sorry to break it to you – you may not want to admit it. It’s hard, I know.
I didn’t want to face the truth. I knew I was sensitive, more so than most people. Perhaps you too are an ENFP, or maybe you’re intuitive, extra sensitive ( I have that book!) , maybe you’re an introvert? Antisocial. HA! You fool. WE are the people who fucking matter – do not let the drones fool you. We have feelings and we are not willing to ignore them. They tell us that – gay people are the exact same fucking people as you and me. That “thing” in your stomach – it’s actually a soul. You are killing what might have been. I’m not trying to guilt you. I’m not a saint! I have been abused. I laughed earlier about how I was sick and twisted – fatal attraction style on a guy I KNEW was in love with me when I was just 14. I INTENTIONALLY gave him blue balls for fun. I made out with him, and when he tried to tell people about it, I lied. I said it never happened. He eventually become completely obsessed. Watching me change through my window – naked breasts and all – with a friend no less. My boobs were much smaller then 😉 And besides – I totally caught them, and I caught him driving and spying on me at my boyfriend’s s house. He eventually tried to kill himself and ended up with some mental heath issues. He joined the army and was sent to Iraq, he lost several fingers. He married a woman he thought was carrying his child, only to find out that it might not be his. I could feel pretty bad about the whole thing. I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m a piece of shit. I ruined a life. But, in truth we have love for each other to this day. I want to grasp him. To feel the man he is now. I hope he finds me 🙂 We spoke about 3-4 years ago and offered forgiveness. Because – in the end, a relationship is TWO people – it’s a choice. It felt good. We needed it. It was hard to end – I had to be firm. It took courage. But, it was right – even if it led to all that pain. No doubt he had many changes along the way. Like me – he grew up poor. He was the first person to let me feel more comfortable in the dark. My first “freak” friend. I wouldn’t even acknowledge him in public at first, we had class together but never talked in person – only online. Eventually it grew to phone, and then in person. And then – in life. He became my best friend. There were twisted elements, but I know now that it was love and I love him for it. I hope he loves me.