Like Animals

I had a conversation with a friend last night that involved him telling me that he believed people with mental illness are animals. They are not human anymore, he said. They are animals. Do not listen to them. They are not there anymore. You can imagine how this made me feel. I listened to his point of view and honestly, I wasn’t really offended. I felt sorry for him. How could he be so confused…and scared? The only reason I can see someone feeling that way is that they are afraid of their own sanity, they fear that which they don’t understand.

He told me that he doesn’t think I should be exploring the topic of mental health, he doesn’t think I should be volunteering or spending time around mental illness. He thinks it could make me snap. He admitted he is fascinated by psychology – but totally uncomfortable with mental illness. Don’t go there. It’s too scary. People never come back. They become animals.

This friend of mine is no stranger to mental illness – he saw my illness in full swing. He was there the night I lost my mind. He’s been there with me through my recovery. You would think he’d be more comfortable with the whole thing – but he’s not. The funny thing is that he was supportive of my “awakening” leading up to my breakdown. In fact, he even told me he loved my blog and was envious of it. He was there the whole time. The night I lost my mind, he placed a pillow over my head and recited a prayer in a language I did not understand. He was scared. It traumatized him. He was apparently quite the mess when I had to be hospitalized. I think it made him afraid of his own mind.

I guess the reason I wasn’t offended by his “animal” label is because I know what he’s talking about – I just interpret it differently. Whereas he sees mental illness as a loss of the soul, I see it as an embodiment of the soul. You become your soul in the most raw and pure form. Like an animal – you simply exist, you don’t bother with thinking things through, you don’t have preconceived notions of how you should behave. You are just you – like a child. I didn’t feel the need for clothes anymore, but being naked was not a sexual thing, it was simply a shedding of societal norms. There was no concern for how it might be perceived, I just did what felt right. There was no need to hide emotions – I just let them bleed from my soul. If you feel sad, you express it like a child, by crying until you can longer breath, until the tears and the drool merge into one wet sloppy mess. Does that make you an animal? Or does that make you a soul – existing in your body, but without all of the silly notions of normalcy and expectation put on you by society. You are wild and free like an animal. A free spirit in the truest of forms.

I find this to be an exciting notion – to no longer worry about what anyone thinks of you. To just exist as you, a soul in this world. My friend fears it, and I feel sorry for him. You can never understand something if you aren’t willing to embrace it. I don’t know if he’ll ever be comfortable around me, he’ll always look at me and wonder what I’m thinking. He said he was concerned that I remembered how I felt when I lost my mind – that I remembered my thought process. That I could still rationalize my thinking. This disturbed him. I think he’ll always be worried about me slipping back into insanity. And I’ll always be worried about him – ignoring his soul and not embracing his inner child. There is a lot of soul searching and internal work that must be done to be a happy and complete person. Some of it involves digging deep into your soul and looking at yourself with fresh eyes. Being honest with yourself. Letting yourself feel and navigate the world. It can be a dark and scary place inside your mind, inside your soul. But, don’t’ be afraid – work with it, not against it. Try to understand yourself, don’t fear yourself – or your mind. There is no place to hide.