It Takes Two

I want to share with you that – for the first time, since I started this blog, just 4 days ago, and less than 10 days after defining my mission – I drooled 😉 I went to post what I’m about to say from my heart and something stopped me. It’s 3AM in the morning here – friends and family will know that I usually go to bed at 10pm – 9:30pm even 😉 That was SERIOUSLY TWO WEEKS AGO! I haven’t stayed up this late in a long this – it was a very stimulating day, I challenge you to go back in history to the 26th of April 2013, that is the first blog post of the day It was a very stimulating day. Anyways,  this was a very emotional post – evidently because I was just balling and drooling like a fool. Silly me, I thought I healed years ago – sometimes these things take time 🙂

Do you really want to be the next Einstein or Lincoln? Geez – could you imagine having as much money as Oprah? SHIT – she buys people cars for fun son!!! Seriously though – what are you thinking when I say that? I’m really genuinely curious. I thin those things are very possible. Of course, look at what my path says. Perhaps I am the next ghandi or buddha or whatever. I’m shayna That’s a pretty cool name, right? Who gives shit what you think? 😉

I’m sassy and a little bit classy. I’m me. And that’s just fine. People love  to label me many things over the years – annoying, weird, strange, different, poor, thrashy – or did I just feel that way? , worthless, unloveable. Wait a minute- the more I type these words, the more I realize – nobody ever said these things to me at all. I just “felt them”. Did the world really hate me? Or did I just hate myself? did I act out because I didn’t think  I was worthy of affection.? Did I push people away, because really if they knew me, they’d hate me. My family does. Society does. They think I’m weird. they think I’m dark. In truth – they created me. They are me. But, I know- they are dark too. They just choose to ignore it. Sick fucks. What the hell is wrong with THEM? Stop the fucking judgement bullshit – a part of you loves them. You want to be happy too.

You will never find true happiness if you do not unite the light with the dark, the heart with the spine. You must have the courage to stand up for what you know is right, but you must also have an open heart so that you can be of service to others. Without an open heart you are a piece of shit/ I’m sorry to break it to you – you may not want to admit it. It’s hard, I know.

I didn’t want to face the truth. I knew I was sensitive, more so than most people. Perhaps you too are an ENFP, or maybe you’re intuitive, extra sensitive ( I have that book!) , maybe you’re an introvert? Antisocial. HA! You fool. WE are the people who fucking matter – do not let the drones fool you. We have feelings and we are not willing to ignore them. They tell us that – gay people are the exact same fucking people as you and me. That “thing” in your stomach – it’s actually a soul. You are killing what might have been. I’m not trying to guilt you. I’m not a saint! I have been abused. I laughed earlier about how I was sick and twisted – fatal attraction style on a guy I KNEW was in love with me when I was just 14. I INTENTIONALLY gave him blue balls for fun. I made out with him, and when he tried to tell people about it, I lied. I said it never happened. He eventually become completely obsessed. Watching me change through my window – naked breasts and all – with a friend no less. My boobs were much smaller then 😉 And besides – I totally caught them, and I caught him driving and spying on me at my boyfriend’s s house. He eventually tried to kill himself and ended up with some mental heath issues. He joined the army and was sent to Iraq, he lost several fingers. He married a woman he thought was carrying his child, only to find out that it might not be his. I could feel pretty bad about the whole thing. I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m a piece of shit. I ruined a life. But, in truth we have love for each other to this day. I want to grasp him. To feel the man he is now. I hope he finds me 🙂 We spoke about 3-4 years ago and offered forgiveness. Because – in the end, a relationship is TWO people – it’s a choice. It felt good. We needed it. It was hard to end – I had to be firm. It took courage. But, it was right – even if it led to all that pain. No doubt he had many changes along the way. Like me – he grew up poor. He was the first person to let me feel more comfortable in the dark. My first “freak” friend. I wouldn’t  even acknowledge him in public at first, we had class together but never talked in person – only online. Eventually it grew to phone, and then in person. And then – in life. He became my best friend. There were twisted elements, but I know now that it was love and I love him for it. I hope he loves me.

Am I Selfish?

Am I selfish? YES! AND YOU DAMN WELL BETTER BE! At least that is all I can assume if you are bothering to ask that question. Clearly you associate with the darkworker path – people have been calling you selfish. Maybe they even call you cold or worse…mean. Maybe you are the bully. Well, shit you were bullied. It’s part of life. It makes you tough. You don’t let others know you are hurt though – that would be weak. You aren’t weak. You ares strong. Strong people don’t show the world their wounds, we don’t tell them  know what we really think. The dark thoughts. That we don’t want to talk to the counselor. That we don’t relate the people at church. That we don’t fit in at school. Not that there is something wrong with us – it just doesn’t feel right. It can be very hard to be you in the world, it’s so much pressure to conform, to be a drone. Something is nagging you inside – this doesn’t feel right. I can’t be happy when I’m surrounded by so much greed, so much hate, so much death and destruction. Who can be happy when all there is misery? YOU CAN BE HAPPY! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! People will tell you that you are heartless. You should do more for them. You are selfish for not donating your time or your energy to the world. What they don’t know is that you are weak. YOU don’t want to the help the world, and why would the world want YOU to help when you really secretly hate them. They hate you too, don’t they? They tell you how odd you are. That you don’t fit it. That your views are strange and that you don’t think right. You aren’t good at certain things. WELL NO SHIT! Do you think Einstein was a very good ballet dancer.? How about Jesus, was he awesome at algebra? Maybe he was – he as a carpenter. But ,you get my point. DO WHAT YOU WANT. WHAT FEELS RIGHT. This can be very hard – it almost seems impossible I know. How can you do what you want when you are stuck in school? It sucks. I’ll never get through, I’m dumb. It isn’t working out for me. I should just drop out- this isn’t for me. I’ll never be successful. I’m just not very smart.

Ignore all of that critique. Trust me – you are smart enough to get through all the bullshit in the world if you can call upon your strength. If you can hear its rumble and it’s calls. Let yourself be guided by your heart.

Again, if you are not old enough to change your situation. PLEASE DO NOT DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE COMMIT SUICIDE. OR WORSE., KILL SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE AND YOU HATE THE WORLD. That my friend, is not the answer. Wait it out, play along. Ignore them. listen to you. Do not let their shame games and guilt trips eat away at your soul. Be strong inside, you must be. This is a temporary situation. Not one you put yourself in. You didn’t choose to be poor. You didn’t choose to be molested. You didn’t choose for your Mom to die at the age of 30, when you were just 4. You didn’t choose to be victimized. It just happened to you. So, what can you do? You are weak and weak minded, trash, undeserving .You rotten little shit. Why are you acting out? Act like the OTHER CHILDREN!!! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS MODEL. HE HAS HIS OWN MIND. CAN WE PLEEEASE PUT HIM ON DRUGS? THAT’D MAKE MY LIFE EASIER. These things happen TO YOU. Escape them when you can and however you can, seek good. Do good. But get ahead. It’s okay to be aggressive. For people to think you are rude. You’re a bitch. Why is she so angry? What is her problem? MY PROBLEM IS THAT I HAVE TO FIGHT AND SCREAM FOR A PIECE OF GUM AND YOU HAVE A BRAND NEW FUCKING LAPTOP! But you can’t say that, and you “SHOULDN’T” THINK THAT.  These are THEIR projections. These are THEIR shadows. What would they know anyway, they’ve never had to go without. Judge away, judgers. Its’ what THEY do. Don’t let them fool you. RISE above it. RISE FROM THE ASHES. BUT ACCEPT THE LIGHT IN YOU. Don’t fight your aggressive nature, your desire to better your situation. Your life. YOUR FAMILY. YOUR FRIENDS. You’d KILL for them, wouldn’t you? Not because you love them though – but because they are somehow a part of you, in some sick way. Your friends, they ARE YOURS. Right? Isn’t that how you say it? Let go – you don’t control life or people. Just be.

Love

It can be a pretty intense and liberating experience to open yourself up and allow the world to be. Things are moving at a rapid pace for me. Today, I went to Boulder to get my tires changed. I asked my husband what the nearest coffee shop was and he told me to go the one a few blocks away. As I walked by it though, I struggled a bit – is that where I want to? My head even tingled a bit and I thought – shit –  if I ignore the tingle and that is where I should have gone I’m going to be sorry! How do you decipher your intuition? I had competing thoughts – to go there or keep walking, so was the tingling telling me to stay or go? Clearly is was saying keep walking, and I’m glad I listened.

As I walked down the street I felt like I was in a dream. I came across a stunning historic home and really felt it, slowed down, looked at it and into it. Looked at the plants that had been growing there, the rose bushes intertwined and tangled on the most beautiful rusty iron fence. It was a stunning home. As I continued along the way everyone smiled at me and said hello and I was at the right spot at the right time and I didn’t hold back. As I walked by two men outside a rental truck I saw them eyeing the door to see if they were open yet. I could see the people inside the door – clearly. But, these men could not. I heard them “it says they open at 9.”

“There are people in there!” I say as I walk by. They smile and appreciate it and we share a brief exchange of laughter.

At the coffee shop I had no idea what I wanted and when I barista asked “what would you like?” I said “I don’t know.” And the guy next to me laughed and expressed that he related to the sentiment. I got my coffee and pastry and sat outside the coffee shop. If you’re local – It was Trident on Pearl Street 🙂 I sat there and typed away writing these blogs posts. This one just came to me and I typed as I stared out at the street, not looking down or editing my thoughts. I could tell people walking by were intrigued that I was typing away and yet, not looking or appearing to be thinking at all. In truth – there were no more or less typos than normal. Some people caught my eye more than once, and even animals seemed to be smiling at me. One girl locked eyes with me as she entered, and as she left. I could tell she was intrigued by me, and I know that she is further down her path than most, I hope I inspired her to realize some people are REALLY happy😉 

My husband called to say the car was ready, but I had to finish up this blog post. Once I was done I began walking back down the street and walked by an artist sitting a few doors down from where I had been. I could see his notebook and the art looked like something I had seen at a local restaurant and that had really resonated with me. He had his headphones on and looked to really be in the moment. Clearly a loner. Possibly a vagrant. Definitely not someone everyone would approach. As I walked by I said something about – keep it up, or cool – something like that and then I gave him a thumbs up – in case he couldn’t hear me because of the headphones.

I was already a door down at this point when he called to me and asked me to sit with him and join him for lunch. Hmm…my husband was expecting me, and this was unplanned. He also looked a bit mischievous, and maybe even a bit like lil’ wayne. What the hell – sure I said. I walked back to his direction and he made room for me to join him at his small table top. “Starting your weekend already?”

These types of questions actually make me laugh out loud now. “What is a weekend?” I ask. Silly drones and their notions of “weeks” and “weekends”. As I sit down it just feels very comfortable. He shares his notebook of art with me. They are organic shapes, like a sharpie drawing or something – original and eye-catching. I genuinely liked it. He had his various pens and sharpies out and I just felt his drawings and he told me about his art and I asked questions. “This says SHOT” “This says CUT” he shares with me – you can see it in the graffiti, and I feel the weight of his pen lines in the paper. I run my hand across them, looking into his eyes as he shares. Into his soul. In the U of CUT I see a soul –“ this one looks like a face” I say.

I can’t quite recall the order of our conversation but early on he looked at me and asked “is that your grandma’s ring?” Funny – that he would bring up the diamond ring, considering what I had been writing from soul moments earlier. I tell him it’s weird he would ask and then I allude to some of the irony of the diamond.

He begins to talk to me about his woman issues – or maybe just people issues. Everyone is so fake and when you just want to be real and connect it can be a lonely place. He tells me about the cutie pie he met at a party last night. He really liked her, but for some reason he was mean to her. Not his typical behavior towards woman, but it caused a friction between them that he was having a hard time putting words too. I’m sure it turned him on a bit – and it is fun to be mean sometimes 😉 I just listened. I told him it is hard to understand motivations sometimes.

We talked about travel, where we’re from. How that shapes you. He is from Montclair and told me he could always tell when he met someone from his hometown.

It was such a natural and real conversation, though it would have surely been strange for most people. We must have looked like quite the odd couple sitting there. At one point he even started smoking weed out of his pipe without saying a word, and it didn’t even interrupt the flow of the conversation or anything. Funny, even though I smoke weed I would normally feel intense anxiety about doing so in public, someone might see us! Those fears are gone now.

I told him several times to please visit my website, and I hope he does. He is on the right path, and I hope he knows that. Towards the end of our encounter he asked for lunch money and I could have sworn I had a dollar bill in my wallet, but I could not find it. He assured me that was fine. I decided I would just reach deep down into my purse and pull out what was there, and so I did. I dumped a big pile of change onto the table, and a single Hershey kiss also made it into the mix 🙂 I finally decided it was time to move on and I thanked him for sharing with me. I got up and I asked him if I could have a hug. I could tell that made him uncomfortable, and I thought maybe he didn’t feel like he “deserved” it and I wasn’t going to let this beautiful soul get away with that. He sat in his chair and put off that most unwarm vibe that come off during our contact. I stood next to me and then just leaned in and gave him the hug anyway. As it was happening his fake excuse emerged “you’ll give me a boner.” Darkworkers definitely have the better sense of humor 😉

As I continued down the street I again felt the dreamlike state, strangers smiling, birds chirping, dogs looking up and smiling. Then all of a sudden I see someone who looks familiar. Sure enough, it was the very many who had laid me off. Ha! He looked very relaxed and happy and we had a very warm exchange. It felt so nice. Following our brief encounter I continued further down the path.

A block or so down the road I see a little sign in a yard “FREE ALOE!” and I look to the left and on the picnic table in front of the house are several oversized aloe plants. A woman is on the phone with her back towards me and I walk up to grab one. There would have been times when this just felt “weird” to me to do – and so I would have just moved on. But, I boldly walked up and grabbed one and caught her eye to give her a warm thank you. “They aren’t mine she says” and we part ways. As I’m walking away a very warm and friendly woman walks out of the front entry to see who has taken her up on the offer. “Thank you! I just put these out 5 MINUTES AGO!” Really?! If I hadn’t gotten derailed along the way, if I hadn’t stopped for good conversation, I would not have been rewarded with this free gift.

On the drive home I came up to the a red light and to the right I see the big blinking sign ALTERNATE ROUTE ADVISED and lots of cones and traffic. Fuck it – I say. I’m going that way anyways.

Broken Bones. Mended Souls.

Broken bones and mended souls. Why do we break bones? I don’t know – but there seems to be something to it. The mind/body connection is real – or are you completely deluded?

I always said I had never broken a bone – but I was pensive, well…The truth is I did break a bone, I was just too small to remember it. I was a baby, it was a myth and a tale, not something I had a true memory of. There were photos of me with my cast, behind the steering wheel of my dad’s van, cast and all – huge smile on my face. I didn’t give a shit my leg was broken. The cast remained in the hall closet all my life, we would clean out the closet once every 4 years and there it was, this tiny cast. A reminder of my strength. It also came with its fair share of guilt. You see – no one ever could figure out how I broke my leg, or at least it was always a tale shrouded in mystery. Of course, child services got involved and ultimately tried to take away all of us children. What a heavy burden for  baby to bear, I almost separated our family. I never knew what really happened, and I was ok with that. Accidents happen.

So, the Friday before New Years Eve 2012/2013 I was walking into the laundry and tripped over our silly “door” – basically, picture catching your foot on a baby gate and falling forward. I put my arm out to catch my fall, and in the moment everything seemed slow. I immediately was worried I broke my wrist, but when I moved it –phew, it was fine. I was relieved. My arm did hurt a bit though. I went about my day and into the evening dealing with the pain in the arm. It didn’t hurt that bad! Throughout the night it felt fine in certain positions, but then I would move a certain way and suddenly yelp out in pain. It almost felt like the muscles around my elbow were clenching and squeezing in a muscle spasm – it hurt, but I expected it would! I actually felt an incredible sense of gratitude that I had not hurt my head – what if my head hit the concrete? Things could have been really bad!

So, I went through the weekend with the pain and the next week I realized I could not shift gears in my car – I wouldn’t be able to drive. Shit. My husband saw this as a sign something was seriously wrong, so I made an appointment. Thursday – almost an entire week after the fall I went to my regular doctor for x-rays. I left thinking everything was fine, but on Friday morning she called to say they had found a fracture on my radial head. D’oh! I wouldn’t be able to drive for over 2 months. I had to carpool with my husband, which made for long days – I was at work for almost 3 additional hours a day. It was nice to carpool and connect with my husband, but the loss of freedom was annoying.

Let me just clarify and say – it was my right elbow that was broken, my good arm! I couldn’t pull up my pants or wipe my ass, let alone pick up a box of envelopes.

It’s no secret that when you are forced to do things differently you get smarter. Want to build up your brain power? Start brushing your teeth with your “bad” arm. Change it up. Breaking a bone forces you to change it up. Try mastering putting on mascara with your left hand! Ha! Life becomes a challenge.

I was set to go to the Doctor for final x-rays on Friday, February 8^th, and I was hoping to be able to be released to drive! Yeah, no more long hours at the office. Thursday, February 7^th I was laid off. I was elated.

In the grand scheme of things, maybe the broken bone helped me access new parts of brain, it challenged me to do things differently. It was uncomfortable, but ultimately empowering. I can do so much with my left hand now!

Back to the broken leg when I was a baby. I was telling a friend the story less than weeks ago and she said – maybe one of your siblings did it on accident? Hmmm…I never considered it, and as I mentioned – it really doesn’t matter how it happened. Still, I was thinking of the broken leg and what had caused it.

Just last weekend, my dad called the same day I decided to start answering my phone.  I should probably mention that I don’t talk to my dad very often, we go months at a time with no communication. It was a beautiful conversation filled with laughter and love and intimacy. What struck me though, all on his own – unprovoked – he brought up my broken leg when I was a baby, and the cast. He was upset it had been thrown away during my parents divorce and I could tell he was very emotional about it. It was a symbol of my strength and he loved it. It symbolized the strength of the family during that difficult period, and now it was gone. I reassured him that it was okay it was gone, I remembered it in my mind and I loved it. It was as if he needed to know it meant as much to me as it did to him. In return he gave me new details and helped build that story. You see – he saw it as a story of strength. I was less than 2 when my leg broke and I was in a cast. I learned to walk with the cast on – I had this handicap, but I pushed through and walked at a normal rate – same as non-casted children 😉 I could hear the pride in my dad’s voice.

Side note – as I’m sitting outside a coffee shop writing this, everyone who walks by makes eye contact with me and says hello. A man began to approach the area I’m sitting, and I recognized him from my internship at the coveted company I mentioned! Out of everyone there – he was one of the most respected. I was so in awe of him, his influence and his presence. He was so intimidating, but everyone wanted a piece of him. I never could muster the courage to say anything to him, let alone share myself or my thoughts in his presence. As his approached me just now a gentleness swept over his face and we made eye contact, “Hello.” he said. Not because he knew me from my internship, but because he knows me. Is it a coincidence that his man grew up in Warsaw? Maybe he is one of us and he has embraced the light 🙂

Just Be

What does the world begin to feel like when you are in concert with, rather than fighting what is? The world becomes the place you always imagined it to be. It is a dream – and it is right in front of your eyes to behold.

When you allow the good in, when you become vulnerable and start to expose your layers – some people may call you creepy and weird. They may tell you that you are wrong. That you are crazy. That your vision is some how impossible because of any number of limiting factors – not today, not in this world, not with all the madness out there. But the truth is, they are the madness and you are the mad-hatter. Create your world – let them call you crazy if they want. No doubt people thought Jesus was crazy – they crucified him for it. People never could have imagined the things that came out of the mind of Einstein. Is he better than you? Somehow more gifted? NO! Absolutely not. He just listened to his inner voice, he conquered his fears, he went with the heart even when the head said it would be hard. Even when his friends said he was crazy. Even when he had to go into the depths of his soul – all by himself. Because in the end, it really is all about you. You decide if this was the life you wanted to live. You decide if you really won. You make up the rules. You deteremine your own fate. Why wouldn’t you want to at least TRY to execute your vision. I’m not talking about your world domination vision – you crazy sith. I’m talking about the one that is in concert with the heart. If you are wondering how to find your world, your vision – Steve Pavlina has some great advice for that. You may find that what comes out is much more community focused and loving than you thought you could be. Surprise – you are “one of those people.” Here is my mission statement:  To show others a more courageous way of living by connecting with themselves in a more meaningful and authentic way. To show them the beauty and the darkness that we all have within us. To allow them to connect with themselves on a deeper level and live more authentic lives.  I really didn’t know what that meant when it come out, and I was kind of scared to find out, but something or actually many things are confirming that I am on the right path.

When you come to accept who you are and what your gifts are – when you are so focused and determined that you are willing to walk the path alone, that is where the goods will come. You will no longer be fighting what is or working against it, it will just “flow”. That is what is happening right now for me, and I will tell you what it feels like – what it really feels like.

I had to get my tires changed this morning – typically “normal” stuff- but my day is anything but normal. When you are in concert with the world it is a dream – everything is a symbol and sign. The song on the radio says the words you’ve been feeling in your heart, the birds are singing just for you. Everyone on the street is smiling and waving and saying hello. They all want to be near you. All the things you craved but could not truly get when you denied the light, it all now completely accessible to you and it is in concert with your heart. All there for your taking. You just have to reach out and grab it, stop trying to gain control. Strop worrying about what other people think. Stop pretending and just be. This is a hard concept for a lot of people – many friends and family members continue to ask me about my “job search. “ I’m not sure how to respond when they ask what I will do for money. I’m just going to be. What was Jesus? What was Mohammad? They just were – they spoke their truth as it was given to them. They didn’t let the trappings of the real world – of the asleep ones, distract from their true goal. Their mission. Do not let the other earthbound drones fool you, they do not know the answers, the cannot help you with their advice or their words. All they can do is help guide you, if they give you advice you don’t like – the gift was not the advice, but rather the gift of knowing that that piece of advice was wrong for you. It did not feel right because it is not what you should do. It is what they do. Or it is what they are projecting onto you, it was what they think they are supposed to do – it is what they think you should do in order to conform. It is not truth. Do not fall for their tricks. They are hiding the dark and concealing it, but they are working with it. They are keeping you oppressed, and you are allowing them to. Don’t give away all of your control or power, it is not theirs to keep. It is your power, you create it, you conserve it, you build it. Do not let others detract from you. Not your lover. Not your fiends. Not your family. And certainly not your co-conspirators in the darkside.

There is Nothing Wrong With You

Sitting here thinking to myself and I just had to let to flow – it’s almost as if there is one giant conspiracy to keep us oppressed, at least it feels that way when you feel oppressed 🙂 It is the single mission that we all share to stop oppressing one and other. Once we have completed our mission – earth becomes heaven. There is no war or hatred, only love.

Our mission should we choose to accept it – is to accept us.

Lightworkers are people guided by the light – often by “the church” or the main order. Really – the oppressive powers that be. More likely to be: white, into organized religion, wealthy, privileged. These are the conformists in society. They end up with nagging questions – more in the vein of “should I?” because they have been bred (nature or nuture?!) to believe that they should not harm others. They ignore their dark shadows. They buy their diamonds as a show of “love” and “eternal love” no doubt. They know deep down inside, in their shadows that there are people being brutalized and murdered in order to obtain those diamonds. A little girl screamed and cried in the night, clinging to her wounds and looking to the sky for answers, wondering why her mother was raped and murdered in front of her. She can’t shake the images and she feels trapped and helpless. She can’t even fathom how anyone could be enjoying their beautiful diamond glistening in the light and shimmering in the sun. There it sits atop a metal band, on a pale hand. Every time its owner looks at it she smiles and thinks of her wonderful husband and their white picket fence. Her adoring friends and coworkers look at it in adoration and give her praise for her “love” – surely her husband must love her, look at the size of THAT diamond. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN EXPENSIVE! And indeed it was very expensive. It cost many lives and many lost souls, but isn’t it so pretty and shiny?

Of course this is all very ironic as I sit here typing, looking down at my left hand and my glowing white skin. There it is. To the right of the pinky, my very own diamond.

You see – lightworkers know all along that there is dark in everything, but they choose to ignore it. To put in in the shadows. They don’t want to admit that they’d secretly love to torture their neighbor or slap their mom in the face. That is something that you simply shouldn’t do. When they catch a glimpse of the shadow, or are approached with shadow work they become defensive, uncomfortable, scared even. They hate to listen to lyrics about violence or drugs – how can people be so cruel they ask. When, in fact those very feelings they label as “evil”…that “cruelty” they complain of, it lives inside them. They are their own worst nightmares. Their fears. At extremes this can lead to complete disassociation with the shadow – those people who “snap” and don’t recall axing their family in the middle of the night. Couldn’t have been me. I don’t have anger problems – that’s “those” people.

Meanwhile darkworkers have been lurking in the shadows all along. We’re much more likely to be poor, to struggle. We’re also more likely to be a minority – probably more likely to be black or brown, although I am white as snow 😉 This day in age, that is a minority and trust me – people made fun of me for it a lot, they still do. Grown adults make fun of the color of my skin. But they are “nice” people 😉 We are much more likely to have seen the struggles of everyday life and the darkness that comes with it. Abuse, anger. Self-directed hate. Disillusionment. Confusion. Drug Abuse. We see the only way out of the darkness and into light as power. There must be a way out of this dark place, in order to get what those other people have I must obtain what appears to be the source of their power – money, attractiveness, smiles and jokes. So we do what we can do make those things happen. We’re willing to lie and be mean if it’s funny, people love humor! We’re willing to go the extra mile to look good and we think that people who don’t are lazy fucktards. No one wants an ugly person, HELLO! We work hard for the money, even if it means crushing a few people along the way. We don’t mind breaking the rules. We’ll do illegal and immoral things to obtain money and worse – we’ll do them to obtain the feeling of power. We’ll opening assault you. We’ll abuse you. We will rape you. We’ll even kill you for that feeling of power. Lurking deep within the shadows though, there is a light. It feels very foreign, uncomfortable and fake. How can those phony ass white/rich/good people walk around with smiles on their face while my family is struggling to just get by. They don’t give a shit, and they are happy. They have no idea what it’s like over here…struggling in the shadows. But, realize that within you – there is a person who is happy and ignorant too 😉 You can find happiness by accepting that the darkness around you, has been created by you and the way out of it – is not with more it. It’s by less of it. It’s by love – by following your heart, not your desire for “happiness”. If you are not able to escape your dark situation because you are under the age of 18, I am so terribly sorry. Please, play along. Do what you have to do to get by. Know that you are amazing and if people want to pick on you and try and get you to “conform” – when that is the last thing that feels right – tell them to fuck off. But, don’t stay it. Play along for now, the real reward is when you become one of them, only you are so much more beautiful and better than they can even fathom, because you have seen the darkness. You have seen the horror. You have seen the struggle. You have been abused. You have abused. Think of all the greats – they came from struggle, they saw the dark and they embraced the light.

The Little Voice

You have negative emotions. Sure, we all do. You have an internal dialog, and sometimes it can be a real asshole. Does it says things like “You aren’t good enough” or “You don’t deserve it.” Or does it says things like “That is not okay to do.” “Mom would never accept that behavior.” If you resonate with the first two statements you are probably a darkworker – you just don’t have enough thought energy – you should probably work on that 😉 If, however, you relate more to the last two statements you are probably a lightworker and you should get some balls.

Both paths can have negative emotions and feelings associated with them, but by making out their distinct calls and cries you can identify what thoughts and actions to feed and which to starve. As I’ve mentioned before, I think while we may lean more towards the light or the dark I think we’re all on one single path, we just have different perspectives. Don’t fight your nature. Don’t judge it. You will only cause more pain.

A darkworker who fights their nature will live a life less than thrilling. You’ll spend your life wanting all sorts of things, but beating yourself up because you don’t deserve them. Maybe you want the happy family, but deep down inside you don’t believe you are worthy of love. Maybe you want to spread your passion for helping animals, but you got into the wrong crowd and murdered someone and now who would trust YOU with an animal? If you let yourself believe you aren’t worthy of what you desire you will be a sad darkworker indeed. Society of course helps fuel this – darkworkers are more likely to be labeled “weird” or “wrong” – which only feeds those negative thoughts and lack of self-worth. Your mission should you choose to accept it is to do the internal work required to make yourself BELIEVE you are worth it and deserving. The hard part is to believe it, and that is where your thought energy can come into play. Do whatever you need to do to convince yourself that you are awesome. You are. If you don’t believe you could be the Next Oprah or you think that Jay-Z is somehow a “better” person than you – you aren’t here yet. When you are so self-delusional that you think Jesus was no better a man than you and that you could take over the world – well, that my darkworker friend is #winning 😉

A lightworker who fights their true nature will live life wondering who they were supposed to be, if only my mother would have let me! Think about the girl who always knew she was a dancer but grew up in a family of academics and was pressured into becoming a lawyer- she’ll spend her life in a career she hates because it’s “what she is supposed to do.” You know slavery is wrong and that something just isn’t right – but it would be illegal to help, and you shouldn’t do that – and so your silence and lack of spine kill your soul. Of course, I am just theorizing here because I can’t really know what a lightworker thinks, or can I? I can only tell you what I know in my heart and what I have seen be played out in the world. It is the lightworkers mission to realize that sometimes pain and change is necessary for growth. You don’t want to end the relationship – but you know you  would both be happier in the end. So why the fuck are you being so selfish and pretending to be “selfless.” It would hurt the other person or society if I was honest and said what I knew in my heart. Hurt them. Stop fooling yourself and get some balls – stand up for yourself and what you know matters, even if it hurts others or the ones you love. You only answer to one person. You.

This seems very dualist, and my apologies for that – as you know I believe we are much more alike than different. I just think it is helpful to understand your motivations and challenges – no doubt each person in unique and we all have our own path to walk. But – I hope this is a nice framework for you, especially if you weren’t sure which “team” you’ve been playing for. Don’t fight your nature – feed it. Just be sure you also work on opening your heart and experiencing love or you may end up on the fast track to misery.

Invite It In

Serendipitous events all around. It’s amazing what will come to you when you open yourself up. I can’t even begin to break this down into digestible pieces like “weeks” – there has just been too much. I will reveal the lessons as they come to me and I feel like writing about them.

Last night was pretty interesting. I went to meet a new friend for dinner at a restaurant in a few towns over. As I approached the restaurant I thought of the woman who worked in HR at the job we shall refer to as the “passion-filled” job 😉 She acted as a mediator during some of my outbursts/ensuing conversations and definitely saw the darkside. Haha. She is the one who first told me of this restaurant!

My friend texted that she was in the back and so I went about finding her on my own. There she was, sitting in a booth, I innately wanted to sit next to her rather than across, but I thought that might be forward. “Do you want sit together?” she asked. Ha.

We spent all night talking about “dark” things like terrorism and revolution. Religion – rape. Very impolite conversation. At several points I actually thought – these people to the left of us are going to turn us in! They are probably thinking we’re wild and crazy gals!

I told my new friend much about what I’ve writing on this blog – but I elaborated on the story of the painting and the artist. I told her about how he was very much a mystic man – like you’d imagine in a fictional book. He was from Louisiana, grew up poor in the south. He had a thick accent that was hard to hear through, but you could tell there was something behind his wild eyes. His black skin was leathered from a life well lived, and his soul oozed from his pores. This was not the type of human being you come across every day. Think Maya Angelou or Oprah. He says his paintings are divine inspiration fed to him – not from within. I told my friend about the painting – of the twin towers. I told her this part of the story – After I mentioned it on my blog my husband stood in front of it starring. “What?” – I asked.

“Here. The original signature, is that a date?” I can’t be sure, and I don’t know if I’ll ever know – but it looks like the date is January 2001. Did this mystic man predict the ensuing attack less than 10 months into the future? I felt so blessed to have encountered him and I wished so badly that I could remember every word and could have understood and really “heard” it all. I felt that he had blessed me, and it was almost embarrassing how much adoration he threw my direction. He kept telling my husband to stick by me and everything would work out for us. He was so warm. I felt his soul. Strange that he was there – that day. In Colorado Springs, just hours before such destruction broke out. Even stranger, that we were there too.

Back to last night – I was telling my friend all of this. We had been enjoying our very open conversation and loud laughter and having a great time connecting. Suddenly the woman next to me taps me, or maybe she just leaned in and I felt her energy. “Shayna?!”

It was the woman I mentioned in the second paragraph, the one who told me about the restaurant to begin with. She had been sitting right next to be all along, less than 10 feet away, on the same shared booth! How had she not heard me? What was she thinking of me?! How did we not notice each other?

Ha! It was a very warm and open exchange. She told me about how her son was getting married this summer in – guess where? COLORADO SPRINGS!

After she left my friend looked at me in disbelief. Small world or something else?

Don’t Break Your Contract

I touched briefly on the idea of being a servant here, but I wanted to elaborate on the concept and hear more about what you think being a servant means. I have said that being a darkworker is about dedicating your life to service of self, whereas lightworkers dedicate themselves to service of god or humanity as a whole. Many people cannot identify with either path – that’s fine. I’m not talking to you, but you are welcome to listen in 😉 Service to self sounds very scary or disturbing to some people – but I think that is very polarizing and judgmental. I’ll write more on judgement later – but it a key to understanding the greater picture. In short – drop the judgement  – it does not further you or society and keeps more people “asleep” in the states of shame and guilt!

In my path I chose service to self AS A WAY to be of greatest service to humanity. I didn’t see it as completely one way or the other. But, this may be hard for people who think they are selfless to grasp- but in my view, “god” is in all of us – in me. In you. No one is any better or more deserving of god’s light and gifts than you! You are “god” in my mind, because such labels and Christian notions of “god” do not guide me and I do not feel shame in having a different and unique view. So, if you believe you are “god” it is your DUTY to honor “god” – you. It becomes your quest in life to honor you – what do YOU want. What do YOU deserve. What will bring YOU happiness. How can YOU be at YOUR best? That is how you can best serve society and that is what “god” wants – happiness is a guide to god! Is this path wrong? Judge if you like, but judgement will get you nowhere 😉

Somehow my paths have crossed, or the truth is you are never really on one path or the other, you are on one a dual path, parts of the path are just hidden further down the road, behind the trees of forgiveness, shame and understanding. Your own path will reveal itself if you let it. If you walk it with intention and allow yourself to be guided along the way. YOUR path is YOURS to be revealed. We all have a path – you don’t have to decide what it is, you just have to start walking along it.

So, you picked the wrong career? GOOD FOR YOU! I’m so happy that I picked the wrong career path. In fact – you could say I picked the EXACT polar opposite of where my heart lies. Why would I do this? And  HOW could I do this? I’m smart. I think I know what I want. WHAT WENT WRONG? See – you can get caught up in the guilt and shame cycle if you want, but it is futile.

I’m so glad I picked the wrong career because it has acted as contrast – without it I would not realize what mattered to me. When things eat away at you – you really hate Facebook, but you “have to” do it for work. You “hate” that you’re in bill collections, but you are good at it and it pays well. Don’t ignore that voice. You hate it because it sucks, so stop lying to yourself. It sucks the life out of you and it is the path to darkness – don’t try to bypass the heart my friend. The true path unites them. You must be selfish enough to know you matter – and that you cannot serve “god” without serving yourself, this is true. Selfless people will never be able to do the work required to do “god’s” work – that requires courage and knowing just how powerful you can be. If you don’t know and appreciate your power you will let you skills and talents go to waste. You will die wondering what it was all about, why were you even here?

If, however, you are able to unite the service to self with your heart, find your heart – that is when the true rewards will come. That is a golden path to goodness. Oooh, I can’t wait. Although – I must reveal I am frightened to enter the final stages of awareness and consciousness because I think they = death. I will have to face that fear further down the path, but I cannot ignore its calls and the fear I still feel in my core. I have so much work yet to do!

So, back to the heart. If you follow the path of serving self, you are further along than most people. You know you are powerful and you appreciate it, you appreciate “god” for granting you such  power and you intend to do your best to make the most of it. But, you never really feel that full satisfaction, that genuine completeness and sense of oneness. Hmm….something is missing.

For me it was the heart. I tried to block it, I had closed it long ago. I’ve tried many things to open it, and I’m not sure what is causing it to be so open now, but it is beautiful and I’m so glad to have this experience. I confronted things that I knew had “damaged” me and I offered true forgiveness – I came to love my enemy and the things that were “done to me.” They helped carve my beautiful soul and gave me drive, what is more beautiful than that? It is like the sculptor who chips away at the boring block of wood – only to reveal its true beauty. The beauty that was hiding beneath the layers, waiting to be revealed. It’s a special relationship – abuser/abused. They are the sculptors of you – and you are beautiful,  how can you hate someone who has brought so much beauty to the surface? You should thank them instead 😉

No one incident closes a heart – that would be impossible. We may not even know what incident or incidents contributed or are contributing. That does not need to matter. Meditate – breath, relax, get into your head. Imagine a time when you were happy – when you felt more open to the world. Talk to that little boy or girl, do what you need to do emotionally  and invite them back into your heart. It’s a hippie dippie thing to do, but I think there is something to it. Invite your warm heart back in. Invite your childlike spirit back in. Tell yourself it’s okay  – the storm has passed. Now it’s your moment. You can be vulnerable again.

If you have self love and you are able to confront your demons, to find the shadow in you – the light – that is the shadow of a darkworker. Find your shadow, those feelings of love and compassion, and dance with them, let yourself feel them and try them on for size. They may start to feel more comfortable as the leather wears in. Let it settle on your skin, let the weight of it be felt. Let the light of it draw you upward. Feel the light, feel the warmth. Invite it in. Embrace it, its power and its  gentleness.

 If you can feel the light and let the light warm your heart – if your heart is ignited – a whole new world opens up. I no longer feel I am just to service of self – although that is still a strong force in me. I now feel compelled to be of service to “god.” This “god” is more complete – he has access to my heart. He won’t let me get away with ignoring those feelings that say to speak up, to call bullshit, to do what needs to be done for SOCIETY. To INSPIRE OTHERS. To LIGHT MORE SOULS. I used to say I had no idea what was worth dying for besides myself. Nationalism? Pppssh. Religion. Yeah right. But, now I know what I think is worth dying for – it is my truth, my heart. I would die to serve the greater good now – to speak the truth, to stand up for what matters. Something has changed in me. I am now a servant of the inspiration being sent to me, it’s not within, it’s coming from outside and resonating with the inside.

Think of it this way – this is a story for illustrative purposes only 😉 Before you came to earth or were born, you made a contract with “god”. You both agreed upon it – based on your skills and desires, or whatever – you agreed to it, you knew the deal. So, somewhere inside of you – YOU ALREADY KNOW THE DEAL YOU  MADE! You just have to listen. If you refuse to listen, if you let society get in the way, if you let family and friends tell you “that’s wrong” “you’re crazy” “no one does THAT!” – you are allowing them to break your contract with god. You will feel bad about breaking the contract – it will come in many form of sadness, of depression, of anxiety. All the “what-ifs” and “I don’t deserve it, but it must be nice” bullshit we do to ourselves. So, by not honoring yourself, by not standing up for yourself you are breaking the contract with “god”, because when you are filled with guilt and shame and not listening to your higher self, you cannot do what needs to be done to fulfill the contract. You’ll die wondering why you were even here – what was it all about?

However, if you can ignore what others tell you is right and instead do what YOU KNOW is right in your heart – you are well on your way to fulfilling this contract. I think for many darkworkers like myself it is almost an easier path. Many of  us started disassociating with “society” in middle school or high school and rejected what other people considered “normal” because we knew we had someone else to please, and he isn’t your pastor.

If you can tune it out – and yet be completely in touch with your heart, you will find happiness. You will find joy. You will find love. You will feel it for your enemy. You will even feel it for terrorists and rapists.

When The Ego Attacks

When the ego attacks. There are lots of roadblocks along the road to conscious choice – living from the heart. Following your life path. One of those roadblocks comes in the form of anger and defensiveness – depending on person this can get very intense and even lead to full destruction. I had the honor and am so thankful to have seen this in action last week. It was a beautiful opportunity to see the two parts of the self – the true self and mind games that conceal it. This has been called many things – the ego and the superego, the bill and the bob. I’m not going to label them here – but if you are familiar with those concepts from Freud that would be a good framework to start with.

Rather than get too intellectual here – I’m just going to use an example. Last week someone that I have a very close relationship with became very vulnerable. We both were. We shared a completely new level of secrets – of true feelings and desires. Some of these desires, society would label as “wrong” or “shameful.” Well – shame on them for spreading such horrible feelings 😉

It was a beautiful moment and I felt a new level of intimacy – as did this other person. Less than 12 hours later this person was saying some of the most hateful and horrible things, not just about me but about themselves. They began pushing me away and saying unimaginably dark and hateful things – a whole new level of ugly.

I somehow appreciated the whole thing – even in the moment. I recognized it for what it was – silly ego. The walls had been broken down, the defenses and excuses, the hiding place – all removed. It felt neat at first, but then the ego settled in and looked around and went “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MASK?!” It freaked out.

The next day we discussed this at this level and we both understood this to be what had happened. I was not angry at the person and this person, in return, was so humbled and surprised by my compassion and understanding. How could I be anything but?

Have you ever had something like this play out in your life? Have you done this to other people?